someone special is gone

today would have been my sister Mary 's  birthday, she  would have  been  57..  My family is the best , that's it , the best.  A wonderful unit of love & harmony. everyone helps each other.   I'd  be a freakin mess right now with out their support.. Mary  passed away from lung cancer..   i did not  know anything about cancer when she was diagnosed.  seeing her in the horrible condition in the hospital was more than i could take.. i felt  useless , i could not help her.   i  wish i had known  what i know  now,  and maybe she'd  still be with us.  

Mary was my "personal manager" , meaning , i was out of control about my life, and i had her take over for me.  i gave  her my $$ and she gave  me a small allowance.  I checked in 4 times a week .,  we  made sure i stayed  sober.

She basically saved my life , and i couldn't  do the same for her.  it didn't seem fair.. she  did so much for me , and i couldn't  do anything for her..   

part of my "drive" , or , commitment to beating this cancer is for her..  i am not  going to let cancer take  2 of us, no  way !!!    

and  the family  is doing really well about my deal,, we've already had one funeral from cancer ,, and i will not  let it  take me,,   ..   i've been the  sheltered kid for 54 years,, the family would keep bad news from me ,, until the results were better...  i'd hear this kind of thing -- " yeah, dad's out of the hospital, the surgery went well "  .. not  , ""oh shit , dad needs an operation, and it might be  a tough one this time""

so october ends, what a  month,, good and bad memories, but  GREAT  overall..

i know she's  watching over me still , and  she is fully confident in the way i am fighting my cancer..

so i think today will be  up  & down for us as a family .. great thoughts about Mary , and then the tragic ones, about  loosing her , and  now that cancer crap is on another one of us......... ( me) 

i might be selling tickets to my funeral, but i have NO plans on making them valid anytime soon..


  report :
weight .........  150 !!!   wooooo
strength ......     A+
attitude ......     very good
tumor ........      TINY 
overall ......       9.4