About Me

My photo
fighting cancer with food & vitamins

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

bla bla bla , jeez

the last blog was kind of intense, be glad you just had to read it, and not be living it.   I had a couple of people chime in that the blog was "too much"  for them to handle.  You might be wondering , what feels good for me, because it can't be that bad all the time.  The problem with face pain is it's so close to yer dang brain, so it's hard to "wish away".  If your toe hurts, that's pretty far from the brain, so for me, it's pretty easy to filter out something like that.  I know some people who suffer from foot pain, and they might say that last statement is a load of crap.  I'll stick to what i know.

so here's what feels good for me, or how i try to get the pains off my mind.

my memory -  it contains some really happy stuff, so if my "present" is undesirable, i try to pull up something fantastic.  you can do this too.  Best part about that is it's free and always there.

the  guitar -  playing guitar is a huge release.  even if for just a few seconds, this works wonders.  Playing for hours is even better.

cleaning - i like to clean stuff, the results are evident immediately .  a clean and orderly house is wonderful.  Vacuuming is a mental pleasure, especially seeing the dog hair get picked up. Shining silver stuff is a smile maker.  Having things lined up straight (it's kind of OCD), is a relaxing sight.  Having the laundry finished and put away correctly is nice.  We have the big industrial type, so a huge load is no problem.  My "closet" is the basement, a  giant walk in closet that most gals would die for.

I like to color, like a 2nd grader, although i don't do this enough.  I like to sell or give away my so called 'art',  and have people color it and show me what they've done.  The little drawings also are pain relievers , if i draw what pain i'm in, it leaves my body and goes onto the paper.  I have 1000's  of these , and many books of collections of them.  You can borrow them, copy whatever you like and color it  yourself. Yay !!

there are a few TV shows i really like. Master Chef Junior is awesome.  We dumped ATT Uverse, and now just have  'air' TV.  Some  old shows like Green Acres, and Dragnet are great.  I used to watch as much auto racing as possible, but racing is getting somewhat like Wrestling. NASCAR will put me to sleep faster than golf.  F-1 is interesting , the technology is mind blowing. Those stupid shows like Maury, Jerry Springer, etc. should be banned from existence. They are worse then bad crack.  I know they are ON tv so the average american can say , "well, at least my life isn't this bad" .   I like to watch movies, and the Blue Ray stuff is great. Family Video is nearby, and it's really cheap.  No wasting time on endless channel surfing.

Being ON stage is the ultimate feel good.  Although watching horrible comedy is gruesome. I love to see people crash n burn.  To me it's hilarious.  Now when i'm featuring or Headlining, i prefer the other comics to have good skills, because a paying audience deserves a quality show.  For Open Mic bar shows, the horrible comedian is just  part of it. As long as they don't run the audience away, i'm ok with people trying to hone their skills and get better.  If you NEVER get a laugh, then seriously think about not getting on stage .  Just because you work hard at it, you might not ever be funny.  Please don't stink up a room , not everyone can be a comedian.  

i love to cook, but currently eating is a nightmare, so i am making super vegetable stews. potatoes, colored bell peppers, onions, cilantro, kale, asparagus, garlic, tomatoes, vegetable broth, all organic. I used to eat 3 pounds of broccoli a week, but my taste buds have had it with broccoli for a while. I make a huge pot of stew and use the blend-stick to make it super smooth, so i only have to crack my mouth open a little to drink it down.  No chewing. I'm ashamed to say this , but i've been eating LOCAL eggs lately . I pouch them and whisk them into a mush, and can kinda 'drink' them. It's some quick calories,and protein. I have to get food past the pain zone, so i'm not on my super-exact anti-cancer diet .  I'm adding avocado oil to almost everything for the fat calories. I used to eat one whole avocado a day, but the chewing is too painful, the oil replaces the whole ones. I use a lot of coconut oil too, on almost everything.

Once a month i get some 'stage juice' from my open mic at he Melody Inn. The  3rd monday each month, 13 + years and still going. ( next monday ).  For some reason people love to yell Otto! whenever i'm seen in public. This feels fantastic.

The dog , Bella , is uplifting. She's so nice and loving. We've been working on "sit n stays" , twice a day. She enjoys learning, and it tuckers her out, good for both of us. She has an amazing internal clock. 7:30 am is wake-up time, and she usually gets me up just seconds before the alarm goes off. We both have breakfast, and then she goes back to bed until 11 am, when she gets  her first walk of the day. Walk 2 is in the evening. She doesn't like to poop in our yard, so the walks are mandatory. She also likes to eat carrots and broccoli, which is her main snack.

Saturday night is Marty Stuart night over at my brother's house. What a great show, but it's NOT in HD on his satellite system. I know  , how strange. After Marty is The Midwest Country Show from Sandstone Minnesota.  It's 'kinda' an open mic for seasoned performers, and some of them are just terrible. Lots of time we have a jam session , keeping the GearHeads in tip top form.

I like having visitors. they bring lots of love and kindness.

Crossing off stuff on my daily list feels great, especially the PT and  exercise stuff. Making juice everyday feels good.

What i do like most is hanging out with my brother. I'm sure i've been a pest many times over the years, but since the cancer deal, the time together is extra great.  My #1 favorite memory from 2014 was october 21st, the first day i could talk after surgery.  He was coming into the hospital room, and i said , " hi Rapper!!" The happy moment we both had will never be forgotten .  "Otto can talk !!"  even though i sounded like one of those bad cigarette commercials .  What a happy moment. 2nd, was the  first time i was able to get over to his house for a visit. We were both quite happy i survived the surgery..!

Now don't freak out , but one fantastic therapy i use is coffee enemas. 4 per day.  They detox the system, relieve pain, and calm me down. Help me get to sleep. Really a great thing to do. 

I see my Dad more often than ever before. It's great.

My Family is the best. Yes , way better than yours, without them i would have surely been gone.  They have all stepped up and help so much.

People  make  me feel great. You , reading this , you're one of them. I'm not a big fan of "social media" , that term makes me cringe, but i do get a lot of love and good vibes from it, so I'm still using faceboogie. 

I'm a dreamer, my imagination is way out there. I love to just imagine stuff, it makes the painful 'present' tolerable.

So, it's not all bad, my life right now. I still have both arms & legs. I can talk, and do most of what i used to do. It is still just 115 days since surgery.  A long road ahead, i just wasn't expecting this pain deal, and being this weak.  Me , Mr Positive, thought i'd bounce back to normality in just weeks, but noooooooooooooo.

So keep those good vibes coming please. The 11:11 gang is still working their magic twice daily. The Law Of Attraction is working  really well for me.  I love life , and all it has for me.

stay fantastic my friends!!     


Monday, February 2, 2015

so, what does it feel like , this pain??

i talk about the pain, you may wonder what it feels like.  i'll try to explain ..i might try some humor today

inside mouth pain --  do you know what a chore-boy is? or steel scratch pad?  crack heads know exactly what a chore boy is... anyway.... people with really clean houses know what a steel scratch pad is, good for you... back to the pain.   take 1/3 or a chore boy and put it way back in your mouth, stuff it behind your last molars where your jaw operates..  now start chewing...  that's the inside mouth pain.  talking or eating..

face  pain - put your hand on your face , thumb behind your ear, palm on cheek, pinky finger should be on your forehead.  Open hand like when you made a turkey in art class in first grade. trace your hand with pen, that's kinda how the nerve system is spread out.  There's lots of muscles there, they are very strong and active. (My jaw muscles used to look like i was a pit-bull, from clenching from job stress 14 hours a day). Now imagine all the space inside the traced area is on fire, or really hot like one of those metal loops you put in charcoal briquets to get a bbq going...  yeah,,  that's it.   

one more specific place.  just under your ear lobe. take a sharpie, keep the cap on, spin it around so the grey end is poking right there.  Now start pushing it into your skin, try it. push that sucker,,harder, harder, even harder. Are your feet shaking yet? keep pushing...  Are you screaming out loud yet?  push harder you weanie.. Is the arm you're using starting to jiggle like a paint shaker at the hardware store? Keep pushing. Now your feet should be jumping around the floor like an electric football player from 1960.  Your mind should be asking you what the hell you are doing.. If you are starting to fall out of the chair, you are in the zone... enjoy

Add this..  the lower teeth on the right side of your face are vibrating like tuning forks, and if you have any whiskers, barely touching them feels like needles churning in your skin... 

If you talk for more than 11 minutes, your tongue swells up and you sound like Corky. That hurts too

Now, this isn't a one time deal, this is 24 hours a day, (since early December). 

one pills does nothing , 2 kinda work... 

here is an artist's rendition...

i'm the artist..

                                     the bolts hurt, spirals are pain

                                      nail in the ear, spiral is pain

                              and the sword kinda sums it up

                          ,but i am trying to bounce back from this....
and i would be two weeks into back to work NOW, if the SS didn't happen

share some happiness with someone OR everyone you can

love - otto


Friday, January 30, 2015

thanks for playing along

besides cancer, i usually have things "go my way".  i've been Mr Lucky since i was a kid. 

my operation was a success, i have some permanent alterations to my body, but that's ok with me.  my right shoulder is very different than before, but my arm still kinda works.  my right  hand is normal, but the motions my arm can do are limited. It's hard to do certain movements, but i can still play guitar.  I can't use my fat hollowbody, because it wont fit "under my arm", so the Tele is getting all the music for now.

my Jaw is very painful. ouchie!!  i wake up at pain level 3 or 4, and it feels like i've been to the dentist everyday.  It's like a really bad case of TMJ.  my teeth feel like tuning forks that are vibrating. i can open my mouth now 90 playing cards wide, the progress is slow but  still improving..

from a distance, you'd think i've got it made... i don't have to work, i get to just stay home and goof off .  i wish..

the pain has become a nightmare.  i don't like drugs - i've been a drug addict ( always will be ) , but im proud to have kicked many years ago.  i'm on year 26 clean, that's something...

now i'm in the pain pill situation which really blows.  i needed them when the tumor became painful in July.  i needed them after surgery, and was so proud to wean off them in december. It took 5 weeks, i was still in lots of pain, but wasn't taking them. My pain doctor was surprised that i was able to get off them. Then my jaw problems became apparent . I needed to have "some" so i could knock down the pain spikes and rest / relax / sleep.  

eating and talking escalates the pain. it's brutal. If i talk for more than 10 minutes, later in the day i'm a basket case. It really hurts to chew, not strength, just the movement. It takes over an hour to eat what used to take 8 minutes.  if i'm on enough pills to be pain free - then im a zombie, no pills - and i'm a wreck. where's the happy medium?  i asked for 4 per day after weaning off them , so i could have some when needed. The  4 a day wasn't enough. my jaw is screwed. the dentist confirmed that. So i had to go back to 6 a day ( if needed).  when the doctor hit 6 in his computer it chimed.  He turns to me and says - "they are gonna drug test you"...

drug test me ?? yep. since my amounts went from ( per day ) 2, 4, 6 , 8, 8, 8, 4, then 6 - they want to make sure i am taking them and not selling them.. what a crock of shit... so i'm getting drug tested to  MAKE SURE I'M ON  DRUGS..  yeah, that's the government...   so my next visit i get tested at his office AND another site by the state.  Blood tests..  i was hoping to wean off this batch, but forget that. My jaw hurts too much anyway, i need these creepy things. 

he said make sure they find nothing else...if they do. i can loose my SS benefits.  yeah - oh  joy...

another SS deal that's all screwed up is they are scrutinizing my finances.  if i have too much $, i loose my SS I benefits ( is it possible to have too much money? ). the magic number is $2000. they think if you have 2 K , you are rich and need no help .  even if your expenses are $1400 a month , the 2K is too much.  Go over 2000 and you must report it so they can delete their amount. Don't report and you get suspended for 12 months.  They want to know if you eat alone or with other people, because sharing food is income. Win a $20 scratch off ticket - you must report that so they can delete that amount. Anybody gives you $ , you must report. ( loans are kind of ok, but don't go over the 2000)
If you sell some of your stuff, like an extra guitar or clothes, that's income and must be reported. If you don't report, they suspend you.  How can a person survive without help?  Ya can't work because of physical limitations, but you can't get help financially .If  ya get suspended , they stop your $$ , and you can't work because that gets you kicked off the system..   They got ya by the balls for sure.  Get arrested, your done.

That's what's been on my mind for the last few weeks.  You all are so nice to care about me and HELP me like you have, and i don't  blog enough to keep you updated. Well it hurts to blog. My face gets all numb typing. Why - i can't figure it out. 

i've written a couple blogs and hit the wrong button on this (new to me) laptop and deleted hours of work. Then i'm frustrated as f^%K and give up for a few days - or weeks.  

the first batch of feeding tube food had lots of sugar in it.(20 grams per 8 oz) I gained all my weight back (145), but lost some in the last few weeks from the painful eating situation. I did find a different protein drink with only 1 gram of sugar per 11 oz. with 160 calories, and use that in addition to eating as much as i can painfully stand.

ok that's all i can take -  you guys are the greatest!!!  without your support, love, positive vibes and prayers i would for sure be dead.  I like being alive, i don't want to die.

health report :::

weight  .................   133, too low
strength ...............     50%
pain ....................     6 - 10 average
attitude ............... trying hard 2 b +

i'm trying to stay away from faceboogie, but i get too much good loving vibes to completely dump it.

im in the running for NUVO magazine's  Best Cover contest.  i dont have the link here. my cover date was 10/9/2003 if you go to the magazine, it's in the Best Of NUVO 25 years section. there's a link on my facebook page . you can only vote once.

e-mail me direct if you want 

tomorrow i'll have my 1000th freaking pain pill since july

and THANKS !!!!! to the Food Angels .


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ding !!! really

a few blogs ago i asked for good vibes for the Social Security agency. You guys poured them on . thank you.  

i've been waiting for a call from them , hoping for approval, but expecting a denial.  Some people messaged me with their horror stories about being denied and then all the appeals.  This took months and in one case years.  I was not ready for any of that. Most people said to be ready to wait a long time. 

friday, i look at my bank account and notice it's more than i thought .  I scroll down and see that SSI has deposited $$..  Holy Shit!!  Its was after  5 , so i had to wait till monday to call them to see what was up.  Well, super fantastic news kids -  i 've been approved.
Great for me , but now i'm one of those  "suckers leaching off the government".  well , that's the way it is.  

so this is some happiness for me, !!!  yay!!

i know the casual observer might be envious of a guy "who doesn't have to work" , but there was / is a trade-off.  i'm very altered, and have a chance of cancer returning.  I'm in pain , big time, and it hurts to eat.  Imagine eating being the most painful thing you are gonna do.  it sucks horribly, and i like to watch the food channels.. bummer

So thanks again for the positive vibes!!! they worked.  another miracle for me.  

health report :

weight                      142
strength                      48%
attitude                      good
pain                          very high at times
outlook                      superfantastic

email me  direct 

blast from the past ......
glad to see you go go go goodby
go go go go goodby
go go go go goodby
GO   GO GO GO GOODBY !!!      

Thursday, January 8, 2015

update, cold as hell

Happy new year, lets hope this one is all of our best ones yet. My year of last wont be hard to beat.     I did make it , so that's pretty good... 

No facebook - it's the way to go. 

my health is very slowly returning. i still am low on stamina, i've doubled my walking and bike riding but i still wear out quick.  my mental state was getting pretty low, the time line of return to work / out of money was closing in. I'm not near healthy enough to go back to work, and if i do, i get eliminated from possibly getting SS Benefits. I called out to my family for financial help and they did instantly.  I am so blessed to have them.

   My jaw is not getting better, my face is numb as hell, on the right side.  Im not sure if it's just swelling from the jaw repair, or the disease has already come back.  That would suck - big time.  Today was the last day of the Ensure protein / nutrient drink.  That stuff has 20 grams of sugar per bottle X 7 a day, is a shit load of sugar. Im not proud that it took so long to get off that stuff, it took less time to get off the Percocets. I did re-up my pain med script - 4 per day if needed -for the  jaw pain.  Different things makes the pain spike - the Ensure was one of them, i think there is an anti-sugar spot in my mouth, and if something has sugar in it -- WHAM !!!  pain thru the roof.  So i'm very happy to be on only real food again, but it hurts pretty bad.

This is week 4 after the SS Benefits appointment, so maybe next week i'll get an answer.  Honestly, i do not want to return to work. I'll be one of those  "people living off the government", which would be fine with me.  The SS fund we all pay into on each paycheck, and i've payed in about $45,000 , so if the government has to pay my way for a few  years ( they bet your cancer will return ) , they will still be ahead . I will not be a burden to your $, just what i've payed in.   You've seen the Social security lawyer commercials ?  When i called the SS office, just to get an appointment, 45 seconds after i hung up , Michael , from the Hensley Group called and gave me the speech you hear on TV.  they must have a robot that monitors the phone lines, incredible.

i'm  not a fan of  cold weather, man am i lucky i get to just stay in.  The dog walks are great , they are good therapy, but we don't go if it's near  zero out, and these last few days have been way too cold.  So Bella's  bored , you can only sleep so much -- . I used to tell  Bella , i will gladly swap lives with you ( before i got cancer) , as  i was leaving for work. She was sometimes grumpy that i had to leave for work and she had to get in her "house".

i miss being ON stage, but not  all the other crap involved.  the juice from the audience is the best dope ever.

ok here's the health report.

weight                    143
strength                    47 %
attitude                   relieved, i was freaking out
pain                   jaw-when eating can be explosive
outlook              positive

i see my dentist next week, and i'll get to see if my jaw is off, or it's my dang  imagination

e mail  me direct if you want

stay healthy