i am feeling real good about the upcoming event. months from now , i will be a zippty-do-da,walla-ka-zo, zim-flam babbatty bo - back to my self ,, and off the pain pills..
october is a more special month for me than the other months.. lots of B-days, Esperanza's send off month, and my 26 years of sobriety. in the drinking biz,, if you've been on the wagon, and ya get cancer , most people would bet that you'd have a good chance of "havin a drink" ,,i mean - come 'on , the guy has cancer,, stuff like that,, but i didn't,, i wanted to a few times for sure ,, and now on the dope,, man one smooth bourbon would be epic. but NO way man.. so that's a good thing.
the blog is gonna get more action now that stuff if changing. remember positive vibes & prayers WORK.. every time , so keep them coming.. and if you think you'd like to do something odd for me,, , at 11:11 , in the morning or the evening, if you see that time on a clock, please just pause for a few seconds if you can, ( not if you are driving , etc.), and send me a smile.. my face is getting numb , so some smile vibes will tighten up those muscles for me.. this is 11:11 on a clock , not a calendar. just to clarify. twice daily if you by chance see a clock.. soon it will be a world wide movement.. bla bla bla 11:11. smile at otto
saw my Dad today , his 84th birthday. fantastic visit. all the cancer surgery talk got done, everyone understands what's gonna happen.. i am feeling great.
i hope i get a surgery date for next week,, and get to recovering.
maybe in February, we can have a big ass - He's well again !! party .. mark down the 16th. at the Melody Inn.. do it , put it on your calendar now..
the top off my head really hurts like a bad word.. i might have to shave my head . this hair cut hurts too.
here's a pic of me feeling good, lets not forget
well that's it for now . lets hope the surgery date arrives today
on monday at 9 am i called the answer machine of the doctors and confirmed for the full surgery.
seconds later i started having the most intense panic attack in history . holy crap, what did i just do ?? i just signed up for the scariest event ever.
then the sweating started, if you've seen my comedy set up close, i am usually a sweaty mess, Jerry Lewis style, this sweaty episode was over the top. i was instantly soaked, like i had just done that stupid bucket thing, and now comes the shaking... yooza !!.. so i had to take another shower, and re-clothe .. and lay back down
at 10:50 i saw my Pain doctor,, the script needed to be adjusted to a stronger pill , and now up to 8 per day.. still in pain all the time, but not as intense. i can not be creative - it sucks ass. i will have to un-hook myself from this crap after i heal. We talked for a good hour about what i was going through, and my "3 " options. this visit really helped me calm down, but i was still freaking out big time.. i took the new script to Kroger , they think i'm some crazed Percoset Freak,, and this months bottle was giant !! 240 pills,, ya just gotta love health insurance - 60 pills - $ 15,, 12 pills - $ 15 , 120 pills - $15,, or 240 pills - $15.. wacky.. went home to lay down......
about 2 pm the nurse called to let me know they got my call and we can start moving forward.. i told her i was F R E A K I N G O U T !!!! and needed another 24 hours to decide. she said that was ok , and understandable.. whew, she could have been really mean
so the rest of the day i talked to my team about what i should do..
tuesday i re-called and committed to the "full boat" , the 3 surgeons have to match schedules, and maye today ( thursday) my surgery date may be set.
i still want to do option #3 , less surgery , but i went for the full boat.. i think i'd be fine with #3, but he guaranteed ! a quick return of cancer, and he DIDN'T want to do the lesser job. if they "did what i want"- at a certain point in the surgery, the doctor will have to say , " OK we stop here , because "Mr Expert" on the table thinks he knows everything" , and the two other guys would be like , WTF , what a douche-bag!!... and EVEN before this happened, the doctors all would wake up that day, to do a "stupid operation" that they didn't believe in ~ for no benefit, and just have crappy attitudes the whole time.. i need an enthusiastic team, like they WANT to be..
so i am going to let them be the super-team they want to be and go ahead and cure me. full confidence.. it will be way more recovery, but no guarantee of cancer returning QUICKLY. he says that with a "little radiation & some Chemo" , i'd live long time .......
the possible side effects sheet is beyond scary.
once inside, they can do what-ever they think might help. i want as little good flesh removed as possible.
so i'm waiting , like you , for a date, maybe next week ? , it's got to be soon, this thing is making it's last ditch effort to consume me, and the stronger pills don't really cut it. these suckers are making me sick. i missed work yesterday.
i do feel fantastic about how everyone is rallying together. my Positive Vibes & Prayer Team is 10 X bigger than in 2012.. nothing can go wrong with all of us ( especially ME ) staying super upbeat.
it's gonna be really tuff , these next few months. one fantastic thing is knowing i get to stay home !! and not have to go out into the winter for a while.. i'm going to be pretty beat up, and if i can just stay home, man that would be incredible.
i made the first call to start the S.S. Disability paperwork rolling.. i can see a nightmare on the horizon. according to my 2012 SS statement, i'd get maybe $ 1400 a month if it get's approved. and that's a fund I have paid into since 1976, so i will gladly accept it if i can get it.. Most cancer people qualify, it's not like i'm trying to fake a bad back.
the people at work have been really wonderful about my situation. since July , when it became painful, They've really made an effort to keep my shifts kinda "weenie" .. if i get the date for next week then i am DONE working for a while. i am super grateful that they treat me so nice.
ok , that's where we are for now
thank you for your love, sent to me.
stay positive everyone !! i will too
this should bring every body up to date.
i have seen a team of 3 doctors, they know what they want to do, i have NO other cancer, besides what i've had,, no spreading , so they have super high hopes for complete success.
here's what my dang mind has been through. the CT scans are radio active iodine solution, which i am allergic to. i have to take something before the test so it doesn't really hurt me .. so when they ordered the CT scan a few weeks ago . i agreed , because it had been 2 years, and i wanted to see what i am up against . and i got sick and lost 2 days .. in 2012 , the CT scan was from hips to head, complete, 2 weeks ago , they just did the 4 inches of my neck-- . ( which i did not know) ....
when i took the disc to the doctor, he says, it 'd be great to have a CT scan of your chest & head.. and i just flip upside down inside.. you mean they had me in that machine , and just did the 4 inches, and now i have to do the whole thing over,, $$ - time & sickness ?? - yep .. and why ?? to see if the cancer has spread -- which was the purpose of the CT scan 2 weeks ago .. ultimate frustration!! .. this lead to this ---
ok , so you want to know if it spread, well doc , i don't care if it has spread , because i am not changing my attack plan , and you guys will not be going in after it.. we are here for the neck / throat issue. and if i am chock full of cancer , i don't want my family to know.. .. and if i am chock full of cancer, what will you tell me then.. he says .. well then you have 3 months to live.. ( best guess) . so i am a-ok with hearing this..
so there are 3 options for me ,,
1. do what i have been AKA - nothing
2. do exactly what the team wants to do
3. less than #2 , if chock full of cancer
the most recent CT scan will tell this
so friday was the 3rd guy of this team,, all 3 are very nice, younger than me, and seem genuine about their profession .. so the 3rd doc, he went through my 3 options
1. according to them , i have done nothing , so i can continue this , at $15 a month for pain pills, with death soon , as the tumor growth will "stoke me out".
2. do what they want , because i am completely "save-able" .. it's intensive surgery with major recovery. but the are SUPER confident with fantastic results.
3. if i am "chock full of cancer", then just do a pain relief tumor / cancer removal, less surgery , and way less recovery . But since im chock full of cancer, it's gonna be "all over" anyway , so why do all the tissue damage, with no time to recover.. also they guarantee the cancer returns rapidly,, and a second chance surgery would not help ..
i want option #3, even if i am NOT chock full of cancer.. we will get to this soon.
so the doctor comes in, BIG smile on his face,, you are CLEAR !!! no other cancer anywhere.. when he came in i was giggling,, and when i heard this , my face went to flat neutral .. no expression,, kind of dis appointed ( i will loose option 3 now ) .. the poor guy, the look on his face - trying to figure out why i am not jumping for joy !! - no other cancer !! in 27 months of doing "nothing" holy shit BatMan , this is incredible ,, they can fix me !!!.. yep , i was kind of stoic, i and i just said " i knew that " . ( about no other cancer, then inside i'm like - ok i get my $ back for that one,, all clear ,, i told them that )..
so he says ok , 3 options
1, do nothing
2. his plan , lots of stuff, very positive about very good results.. and then he went into this plan .
i said what about option 3 ? you haven't talked about that.. . he , with authority said COMPLETELY STUPID IDEA !! no option. ,, you are not chock full of cancer, you can be fixed.
the difference between # 2 & #3 is a basically one more inch off cutting, but that will involve a possible 2nd skin graft, more surgery , more recovery, and more possible side effects. super scary!!!
option 3, is less surgery, LESS recovery, but he guarantees the cancer comes back, within weeks or months,, and then there is no chance to be saved when that happens..
so [ i think ] i can beat any cancer they leave in me, with what i've been doing.. so i'm ok with them getting 99.5% , of the cancer, and taking less flesh.
anything that might grow back will be destroyed with my new enthusiasm and renewed faith,, as my recovery will be way less, and i will be stronger quicker, and less infection sites..,, the doctor does not agree.
the paperwork you sign gives them the right to do anything they think might help. that means possibly more stuff taken out, "as we found it ". yes i'm being a baby , and i am scared they are gonna take more good flesh than i can handle..
so option 2 is they only option,, i signed the papers, but still said i needed to confirm them on monday,,
so that's the deal on the table, i call monday at 9 am, and say it's ON !! , or - rip them up , and see ya later.. i think i could survive option 3, what i have been doing has worked, all the stuff i followed didn't factor in my freaking brain that won't shut off.
i have to agree with option 2, put my "big boy pants on" and toughen up. when he get's the GO ! then the 3 docs will get their schedules in order, maybe the week of october 6th.
i am actually tired from this now.. it's been a beat-down on my soul, ( self imposed ) - without all the help i am getting i would have been toast a long time ago. you guys are great...
my sister started a Go-fund Me thingy.. i can't promote it myself, as it feels like begging. but it sure is nice that it is happening.. i am so humbled that people are, and can even contribute. $$ is hard to come by now-a-days. at least everyone knows that i am actually going to get all of it , with no Suit-n-Tie guy skimming his portion off the top...
having this time off to recover will be giant benefit. i won't have to go out in the weather as much, and wont be dealing with the negative factors at work,, and i won't be a financial H-Bomb on Heather.
i'm gonna learn me some new guitar licks.. yes i am
ok .
everybody got it ??
surgery soon, recovery after, then rainbows , unicorns, slow ocean waves. positive thoughts only
health report
weight 138
attitude i have given in , not up
strength physical good , mental - bruised
tumor call Steve McQueen asap
pain always horrible, the pills barely
work , and there is not enough
my hair has been hurting,, that's right ,, touch my hair and a GIANT pain spike ,, so i buzzed it off
see below .
have you ever been to Climb-Time ? well grab here, put your foot on otto's knee, and then press palm onto top of head , and up you go...
it's gruesome,, little kids are frightened
it's gonna poop !!!
it will all good soon , no worries TEAM !
