and scene

i am mentally exhausted ..  my mind is  tired.  i have  to figure out how  to just  live  again....   the " fight cancer "  mind loop is the worst...  i know i'm  fighting cancer , and  beating it,  but  those thoughts  never turn off...         

  it started out as  cancer  =   dead..    maybe not right away, but  dead..   then it was  cancer = crappy life, until death.  that took a few months...    now,,  i don't think cancer will kill me.  something else will.   so what's the  beef ?  

i want my mind back...  fighting my cancer gave me my youthful body back, but it has taken a lot of my creative process away..   these blogs help me un-do my own mental damage,  and sometimes  my problems are worked out as i  write.   

i guess i'm being selfish,  feeling robbed  by cancer for the last  7 months...  i have to keep on the  "bright side"  and realize  it will just take more time to heal...     sure my  tumor is almost  gone,  but i still have  cancer on me .  my system is  "anti-cancer"  , so i am not  worried about it  spreading or getting worse...     i still get the  occasional  " do you think it  spread ? "  question from people,, and that is  a few minutes of  unwanted thoughts.

one of my "cancer buddies"  told me ,  "you can feel great , and have a shit load  of cancer  in you" ..   and added , "it  only takes ONE cancer  molecule to travel to another part of your body, and start new tumors".       crap  


so i guess i'm just being a bitch again,, poor me , boo hoo, i don't get everything i want ..  well that's life, i better  step up. 
 i really have no physical excuses to be a bummed out,, i just  have  to un-do my dang mind.

ok , thanks  for listening, i feel way better..


today would  have been my Mom's  birthday..  she was the best !!   the  family rule was  be nice.. brilliant !   she was and  IS  my inspiration, any time i need to better  my self..   i finish today's  blog with a huge smile, thinking of  her 

tic toc tic toc

seven  months since  diagnosis..

the  doctor could  have  said ......... 

this might  be  tough , but  you are  going to have  to eat nothing but  vegetables and some  vitamins for the rest of your life.    there's no  side effects, you just might want to wash stuff off really well.  

then he should  have  handed me a list of  NEVER EAT foods.

and i would  have  said ........
 heck  yeah , lets  do this


the replay of the doctor telling me  "what i needed"   keeps  looping  in my mind...   what i needed,  + , the  side  effects


thanks  to everyone  for  sending the  good  vibes