what's happened ? these last few days

on monday at 9 am i called the answer machine of the doctors and  confirmed for the full  surgery. 

seconds later i started having the most intense panic attack in  history .  holy crap, what did i just do ??  i just signed up for the scariest event ever.

  then the sweating started, if you've seen my comedy set up close, i am usually a sweaty mess, Jerry Lewis style,  this sweaty episode was over the top.  i was instantly soaked, like i had just done that stupid bucket thing, and now comes the shaking... yooza !!..  so i had to take another shower, and re-clothe .. and lay back down

at 10:50  i saw my Pain doctor,,  the script needed to be adjusted to a stronger pill , and now up  to 8 per day..    still in pain all the time, but not as intense. i can not be  creative - it sucks ass.     i will have to un-hook myself from this crap after i heal.  We talked for a good hour about what i was going through, and my  "3 " options.  this visit really helped me calm down,  but i was still freaking out big time..     i took the new script to Kroger , they think i'm some crazed Percoset Freak,,  and this months bottle was giant !!  240 pills,,   ya just gotta love health insurance -   60 pills - $ 15,,  12 pills - $ 15 , 120 pills - $15,, or  240 pills - $15..  wacky..  went  home to lay down......

about 2 pm the nurse called to let me know they got my call and we can start moving forward..  i told her i was F R E A K I N G  O U T !!!!  and needed another 24 hours to decide.  she said that was ok , and understandable.. whew, she could have been really mean

so the rest of the day i talked to my team about what i should do..  

tuesday i re-called and committed to the "full boat" , the  3 surgeons  have to match schedules, and maye today ( thursday)  my surgery date  may be set.

i still want to do option #3 , less surgery , but i went for the full boat..   i think i'd be fine with #3, but he guaranteed !  a quick return of cancer, and he DIDN'T want  to do the lesser job. if they "did what i want"- at a certain point in the surgery, the doctor will have to say , " OK we stop here , because "Mr Expert" on the table  thinks he knows everything" , and the two other guys would be like , WTF , what a douche-bag!!...        and EVEN before this happened, the doctors all would wake up that day, to do a "stupid operation" that they  didn't believe in ~ for no benefit, and just have  crappy attitudes the whole  time.. i need an enthusiastic  team, like they WANT to be..

so i am going to let them be the super-team they want to be and go ahead and  cure me.  full confidence..  it will be way more recovery, but  no guarantee of cancer returning QUICKLY.  he says that with a "little radiation & some Chemo" , i'd  live long time .......    

 the possible side effects sheet is beyond scary.

once inside, they can do what-ever they think might help.  i want as little  good flesh removed as possible.

so i'm waiting , like you , for a  date, maybe next week ? ,  it's got to be soon, this  thing is making it's last ditch effort to consume me,  and the  stronger  pills  don't really cut it.     these suckers are making me sick. i missed work yesterday.  

 i do feel fantastic about how everyone is rallying together. my Positive Vibes & Prayer Team is  10 X bigger than in 2012..  nothing can go wrong with all of us ( especially ME ) staying super upbeat.


it's gonna be really tuff , these next few months.  one fantastic thing is knowing i get to stay home !! and not have to go out into the winter for a while.. i'm going to be pretty beat up, and if i can just stay home, man that would be incredible.

i  made the first call to start the  S.S.  Disability paperwork rolling.. i can see a nightmare on the horizon. according to my 2012 SS statement,  i'd  get maybe $ 1400 a month if it get's approved.  and that's a fund  I have paid into since 1976,  so i will gladly accept it if i can get it.. Most cancer people qualify,  it's not like i'm trying to fake a bad  back. 

the people at work have been really wonderful about my situation.  since July , when it became painful, They've really made an effort to keep my shifts kinda  "weenie" .. if  i get the date for next week then  i am DONE  working for a while.  i am super grateful that they treat me so nice.


ok ,     that's where we are for now


thank you for your love,  sent to me.

stay positive everyone !!  i will too