Thursday, July 31, 2014
90 days of madness
last november, basically about as big as an almond
it's been 3 months , so sorry , not blogging has been eating me up . this one should get everyone up to date.
by not blogging , i haven't been receiving your happy thoughts,, a stupid move by me.
my cancer is back , and i'm pretty sure i figured out why. cancer comes back on people, that's a given . i talked about my poisonous mind before. this is what i've done or did..
when i started this adventure, i googled some dates, like how long people with what i have usually live. on "average" most people lived 18 months, if they did treatment , or no treatment.. so i had feb of 2014 , on my mind since july of 2012. . in december 0f 2013, 2 months shy of feb, i was feeling superfantastic, had no tumor, no health issues, all awesome.. i started thinking about how i'm gonna blow through Feb,, the 18th month, no problem. i feel GREAT !!!
december 16th , i drank 3 sugar free redbulls,, WHAT ?? yeah, i glitched, my mind, my old druggie mind talked me into it.. 3 in a giant cup, bam , down the hatch... wow whatta buzz... and then my downfall started,, i just put 27 ounces of poison in my superfine , ORGANIC, cancer fighting machine.. you've got to be kidding,, no too late.. it's in me now... so i think, well this won't kill me........................... i rode through the buzz, it was fun.. and stupid.
december 18th .. did it again, and them the next night ( the 19th) too..
so 82 ounces of crap , poured right into me, by me, for some crazy reason that's still eating me ( feeding cancer) today.. this is my confession of stupidity - i worked so hard to beat my cancer, everything was going great , and then these 3 days?? unbelievable ...
so i was / still am so ashamed of what i did,, how can i blog about this poor choice ?. so i didn't.. then the swirling thoughts started, did i invite cancer back in ? maybe , maybe not.. 3 quarts of liquid crap.. not organic carrots & apples.. what have i done... so i didn't blog about it ..
i was weak....... i had been so strong, and now i'm a chicken shit, who did something stupid and is too much of a puss to confess... B A D idea.. and it's eating me up
my blog had been all about " keepin it real" , and now the days were stacking up, and i had this horrible secret swirling around my mind... holy shit. it would be easier to have some whisky , and confess that.. i still have never "slipped" on the alcohol, and a lot people do - once.
so i never blogged it, it ate me up , and on Jan 20th, bing ! my tumor started to activate. dag goon it !!! now i've done it , i have active cancer again..
every day i didn't blog about my bad decision , it was like i just drank those freaking redbulls ... and like Rain Man ,, over & over , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls, why'd ya drink those redbulls, AND now your cancer is back ya stupid douche !!! why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,.................. not very inspirational .
now it's Feb , which in December, i was all , " oh hell yeah , I'm busting through Feb! No problem".. but now my tumor is growing,, and i can't stop touching it, and my bad secret is fueling the cancer...
and now i'm starting to come down on myself as a looser, and any other bad thing i can consider myself to be.. i'm not the guy who beat cancer once, i'm the stupid dickhead who invited it back..... holy shit , the guy who ruins everything
in March, i knew i was in a heck of a bad deal..
April, still hiding my stupidity, tumor is now really active.
may - june - still growing, not painful at all, but still active,, and i was really giving it all my best , trying to stop it,, i think physically, i was beating it,, but mentally , i was still feeding it... it's "Neck n neck" - hee hee , as much as i was killing , it was replacing that with new cancer cells.. this tumor can change shape hourly,, it's really odd
mentally, i thought it was gonna grow until june, when i was going to be seen by everyone at Father's Day,, and it was pretty big then, as expected
my weight started to drop,, got down to 135.8 ,, world's record for me ..still eating tons of stuff, but loosing weight,, strength still good, brain is a mess.
on july 2nd , it was 2 years,, and now it is starting to become painful. the tumor is pretty big, and at some times , the pain spike is at level 13.. if it stays in that pain bracket too long , my mind shuts down... what have i done ??
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
and now i'm certain that the return is from my stupid bad secret, swirling around, non-stop, like the Zipper, at a low budget carnival,,
the last thing i want is to be in pain,, and then ,, i don't want to take pain pills,, no way....
had 3 gigs- july 12 - 13 - & 14th. the week before these, the pain spikes we starting to become more frequent, and just doing my daily stuff became a real chore..
i got some pain pills from a friend, and used them " correctly" ?? , and was able to get through that week & weekend in good style..
but the next week ,, i knew i am in trouble, the pain is almost always on ... it felt like the the edge of the tumor was a saw blade, working back n forth,, with a hornet inside the middle stinging me, frequently.. ouchie
so i did what i thought i'd never do , went to the doctor and asked for pain meds. Not a cool thing to do in Indiana,, now i'm on the "list" .. so i got a month's supply,, and i am making sure i do not over use these.. i am against pain meds,, but not sleeping was not helping me heal.. i'm cracking them in 1/2, and waiting until it's really hurting before i take one.
i had to switch to working all nights, because my "daily" routine has grown to almost 3 hours,, so to get to work at 10 am, i need to up and at it at 6:30,, and if i couldn't get to sleep till 2 am,, that makes for 4 1/2 hours.. not enough.
stress at work has been up also,, the modern teenage worker is not like the old days
not having 20 shows a month also is a drag.. the energy & healing juice from being on stage works wonders, i can't afford to do free shows, travel for nothing , and spend time at "value-less" shows.. so no stage juice
what has been a positive, is the band - otto & the Gearheads.. my guitar playing is getting better , and i keep writing new songs,, my comedy writing has been low for years now.. the same act- 12 years,, super polished, and extremely well done , but no real new stuff for a while now
i guess i could have just written this in December -- "" i drank 9 redbulls, how stupid , please forgive me, back to healing"" but i didn't , and now i'm paying the price..
so please don't punch me in the face, or wag your finger in front of me "dumbass" , when you see me again
the cancer fighting system i'm on didn't fail,, i introduced a bad element into it .. i screwed it up.. 90 days of mind melting bad vibes.. what a dumbass...
june 18th
july 25th
look at that sucker, sometimes it's round , and sometimes it is squared off
ok , my secret is out, i am not beating myself up over this anymore.. back to healing
shame on you otto !!!
i feel like i just confessed to my own murder?
health report
weight 143
strength top level
attitude re-freshed !!
pain mild to severe
tumor active
*****
(( blog edit -- since posting this blog, a cancer survivor of the same thing informed me that what i "googled" was incorrect, i stand corrected ))
good news for everyone
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Glad you got this out there! Rooting for you 100%! Proud of you!
ReplyDeleteyou heard it first .. haha
DeleteMy Friend. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! Get back on the PMA train and get rid of that sucker again!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.cureyourowncancer.org/rick-simpson.html
ReplyDeleteyes please
DeleteWe love you & are praying for you ol' buddy :)
ReplyDeleteI still believe you will beat it! You are the ONE I tell all of the people around me!! We love you!
ReplyDeleteThe ex-hungarian neighbor of your sister <3
thanks everyone !!!! looking forward to december, and a normal neck
ReplyDelete