90 days of madness

 

                          last november, basically about as big as an almond











it's  been 3 months ,  so sorry ,  not blogging has been eating me up . this one  should  get everyone up to date.

by not blogging , i haven't been receiving your happy thoughts,, a  stupid move  by me. 

my cancer is back , and i'm pretty sure i figured  out why.  cancer comes  back on people, that's a given .  i talked about my poisonous  mind before.   this is what  i've done  or  did..  

when i started this adventure, i googled some  dates,  like  how long  people with what i have usually live.  on "average"   most people lived 18 months,   if they did treatment , or  no treatment..   so i had  feb of 2014 , on my  mind  since  july of 2012. .  in december 0f 2013, 2 months shy of feb,  i was feeling superfantastic, had no tumor, no health issues, all awesome..   i started thinking about how i'm gonna blow through Feb,,  the 18th month, no problem. i feel GREAT !!! 


december 16th , i drank 3 sugar free redbulls,, WHAT ??  yeah, i glitched, my mind, my old druggie mind talked me into it..  3 in a giant cup, bam , down the hatch... wow whatta buzz...  and then my downfall started,,   i just put 27 ounces of poison in my superfine , ORGANIC, cancer fighting machine..   you've got to be kidding,, no too late.. it's in me now...   so i think, well this won't kill me...........................   i rode through the buzz, it was fun.. and  stupid.

december 18th .. did it again, and them the next night ( the  19th)  too..

so 82 ounces of crap , poured right into me, by me, for some crazy reason that's still eating me  ( feeding cancer) today.. this is my confession of stupidity - i worked  so hard to beat my cancer, everything was going great , and then these 3 days??  unbelievable ...  

so i was / still am  so ashamed of what i did,, how can i blog about this poor choice ?. so i didn't.. then the swirling thoughts started, did i invite cancer back in ? maybe , maybe not..  3  quarts of liquid crap.. not organic carrots & apples..  what have i done... so i didn't blog about it .. 

i was weak....... i had been so strong, and now i'm a chicken shit, who did something stupid and is too much of a puss to  confess... B A D  idea.. and  it's eating me up

my blog had been all about  " keepin it real"  , and now the days were stacking up, and i had this horrible secret swirling around my mind... holy shit.  it would be easier to have some whisky , and  confess that..  i still have never "slipped" on the alcohol, and a lot  people  do -  once.

so i never blogged it, it ate me up , and on Jan 20th,  bing ! my tumor started to activate.   dag goon it !!!    now  i've  done it , i have active cancer again.. 

every day i didn't blog about my bad decision , it was like i just drank those freaking redbulls ... and   like  Rain Man ,, over & over , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls,  why'd ya drink those redbulls,   AND  now  your cancer is back ya stupid douche !!! why'd ya drink those redbulls  ,why'd ya drink those redbulls  ,why'd ya drink those redbulls  ,why'd ya drink those redbulls  ,..................  not  very inspirational .

now it's  Feb , which in December,  i was all , " oh  hell yeah , I'm busting through Feb!  No problem".. but  now my tumor is growing,, and i can't stop touching it, and my bad secret is fueling the cancer...

and now i'm starting to come down on myself as a looser, and any other bad thing i can consider myself to be..   i'm not the guy who beat cancer once, i'm the stupid dickhead who invited it back..... holy  shit , the  guy who ruins everything

in March, i knew i was in a heck of a bad deal..
  
April, still   hiding my stupidity, tumor is now really active.

may - june -  still growing,  not painful at all, but still active,,  and i was really giving it all my best , trying to stop it,,     i think physically, i was beating it,, but mentally , i was still feeding it...   it's  "Neck n neck"  - hee hee  , as much as i was killing , it was replacing that with new cancer cells..   this tumor can change shape hourly,,  it's really  odd

mentally, i thought it was gonna grow until june, when i was going to be seen  by everyone at Father's Day,,   and  it was pretty big then, as  expected

my weight started to drop,,  got  down to 135.8 ,, world's record for me ..still eating tons of stuff, but loosing weight,,  strength still good, brain is a mess.

on july 2nd ,  it was 2 years,,  and now it is starting to become painful.  the tumor is pretty big, and at some times , the pain spike is at level 13.. if  it stays in that pain bracket too long , my mind  shuts  down...  what  have  i done ??
why'd ya drink those redbulls  
why'd ya drink those redbulls  
why'd ya drink those redbulls  
why'd ya drink those redbulls  

and now i'm certain that the return is from my stupid bad secret,  swirling around, non-stop, like the Zipper, at a  low budget carnival,,  

the last thing i want  is to be in pain,, and then ,, i don't want to take  pain pills,,  no way....

had  3  gigs-    july 12 - 13 -  &  14th.      the week before these,  the pain spikes we starting to become more frequent, and just  doing my daily stuff became a real chore.. 

i got some pain pills from a friend, and used them " correctly" ?? , and was able  to get through  that week  & weekend in good style.. 

 but the next week ,, i knew i  am in trouble,  the pain is almost always on ...    it felt like the the edge of the tumor was a saw blade, working back  n forth,, with a hornet inside the middle stinging me,  frequently.. ouchie 

so i did what i thought i'd never do , went to the doctor and asked  for   pain meds.   Not a cool thing to do in Indiana,, now i'm on the "list" .. so i got a  month's supply,, and i am making sure i  do not  over use these.. i am against pain meds,, but  not sleeping was not helping me heal..  i'm cracking them in 1/2,  and  waiting until it's really  hurting before i take  one.  

i had to switch to working all nights,  because my "daily" routine has grown to almost 3 hours,, so to get to work at 10 am, i need to up and at it at 6:30,, and if i couldn't get to sleep till 2 am,, that makes  for 4 1/2 hours.. not enough.

stress at work has been up also,, the modern teenage worker is not like the old days

not  having 20 shows a month also is a drag..   the energy & healing  juice from  being on stage works wonders,  i can't afford to  do free shows, travel for nothing , and spend time at "value-less" shows..  so no stage  juice

what has been a positive, is the band  - otto & the Gearheads.. my guitar playing  is getting better , and i keep writing new songs,, my comedy writing  has been low  for years now..  the same act- 12 years,, super polished, and extremely well done , but no  real new stuff for  a while now

i guess i could have just written this in December  --  "" i drank 9 redbulls, how stupid , please forgive me, back to healing""     but  i didn't , and now i'm paying the price.. 

so please  don't punch me in the face, or wag your finger in front of me "dumbass" , when you see me again

the  cancer fighting system i'm on didn't fail,, i  introduced  a bad element into it ..   i screwed it up..   90  days of mind melting bad vibes.. what a dumbass...

 june 18th

 

                                                                           july  25th

                                   look at that sucker, sometimes it's round , and sometimes it is squared off 

ok , my secret is out,  i am not beating myself up over this anymore..  back to healing

shame on you otto !!!  


i feel like i just confessed to my own murder?  



health report  

weight            143
strength          top level
attitude           re-freshed !!
pain                mild  to severe

tumor              active 


*****  
((  blog edit -- since posting this blog, a cancer survivor of the same thing informed me that what i "googled" was incorrect,  i stand corrected ))

   good news  for everyone