i'm a bit late ,, ( aug 10 ) but here is the tumor one week later
it is just a bit smaller,, it is crawling around to the back of my neck.. the worst part is it is trying to get under my ear, in the jaw /skull / joint. that's really painful.
having pain pills is like taking the battery out of the smoke alarm , if you know what i mean.. but without them there is no way i can heal.. this blob gets really painful , like 12 on the 10 scale.. i was given 60 pills for 30 days = 2 a day. i've only had 1/2 a pill a a time X 4 times a day = 2.. some nights i needed another 1/2, so i'm gonna be 6 days short. bummer.
i saw the pain doc early, no problem . now i have 4 per day..
this good / bad deal with pain pills. good to have no pain ,,
BAD to take them.. i will carefully monitor this . i do not want
to get hooked on these or other stuff.
i know what it feels like to have cancer pain now. i was super lucky those first 24 months..
i am fully confident to beat this again. i need to calm down , and do less.
health report :
weight 140
strength A
attitude good, with bad pain spikes
tumor large & moving to the back of my neck
sunday 12:02 am ..
now it's monday morning , i had trouble publishing this .my old computer was stuck,,
so this is it , aug 2nd , and from this angle it shows up really nice.
it looks like a film canister is in there. i'll post a progress pic from this angle every 7 days.
last night i received millions of fantastic molecules from everyone, and that's not one molecule from millions of people, it's lots from each one of you..
we can't hate may cancer , they are my cells , i just don't need them,, we need to love them away..
after confessing my choice in december i feel soooo much better. how bad did it effect me ,, see photo above.
i took no pain pills today.. double ouch by 7:30 pm. i will probably need 1/2 of one to get through the night. the perimeter of the blob feels like a saw blade. i need to take as few pain pills as possible, can not get hooked on those freaking things.
my sister has many prayer groups sending me healing goodness. i can already tell it's working
about the pain -- this is how it feels,, the spikey ball is rotating inside as the edges saw into my neck
not all the time, but when it kicks in - wow !
i still feel super lucky, about this whole ordeal, i've just had pain for about a month, my self doom has ended, and won't return. i'm still super healthy, and strong.
no fancy ending to this ,
stay focused on what's good for you
last november, basically about as big as an almond
it's been 3 months , so sorry , not blogging has been eating me up . this one should get everyone up to date.
by not blogging , i haven't been receiving your happy thoughts,, a stupid move by me.
my cancer is back , and i'm pretty sure i figured out why. cancer comes back on people, that's a given . i talked about my poisonous mind before. this is what i've done or did..
when i started this adventure, i googled some dates, like how long people with what i have usually live. on "average" most people lived 18 months, if they did treatment , or no treatment.. so i had feb of 2014 , on my mind since july of 2012. . in december 0f 2013, 2 months shy of feb, i was feeling superfantastic, had no tumor, no health issues, all awesome.. i started thinking about how i'm gonna blow through Feb,, the 18th month, no problem. i feel GREAT !!!
december 16th , i drank 3 sugar free redbulls,, WHAT ?? yeah, i glitched, my mind, my old druggie mind talked me into it.. 3 in a giant cup, bam , down the hatch... wow whatta buzz... and then my downfall started,, i just put 27 ounces of poison in my superfine , ORGANIC, cancer fighting machine.. you've got to be kidding,, no too late.. it's in me now... so i think, well this won't kill me........................... i rode through the buzz, it was fun.. and stupid.
december 18th .. did it again, and them the next night ( the 19th) too..
so 82 ounces of crap , poured right into me, by me, for some crazy reason that's still eating me ( feeding cancer) today.. this is my confession of stupidity - i worked so hard to beat my cancer, everything was going great , and then these 3 days?? unbelievable ...
so i was / still am so ashamed of what i did,, how can i blog about this poor choice ?. so i didn't.. then the swirling thoughts started, did i invite cancer back in ? maybe , maybe not.. 3 quarts of liquid crap.. not organic carrots & apples.. what have i done... so i didn't blog about it ..
i was weak....... i had been so strong, and now i'm a chicken shit, who did something stupid and is too much of a puss to confess... B A D idea.. and it's eating me up
my blog had been all about " keepin it real" , and now the days were stacking up, and i had this horrible secret swirling around my mind... holy shit. it would be easier to have some whisky , and confess that.. i still have never "slipped" on the alcohol, and a lot people do - once.
so i never blogged it, it ate me up , and on Jan 20th, bing ! my tumor started to activate. dag goon it !!! now i've done it , i have active cancer again..
every day i didn't blog about my bad decision , it was like i just drank those freaking redbulls ... and like Rain Man ,, over & over , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls, why'd ya drink those redbulls, AND now your cancer is back ya stupid douche !!! why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,.................. not very inspirational .
now it's Feb , which in December, i was all , " oh hell yeah , I'm busting through Feb! No problem".. but now my tumor is growing,, and i can't stop touching it, and my bad secret is fueling the cancer...
and now i'm starting to come down on myself as a looser, and any other bad thing i can consider myself to be.. i'm not the guy who beat cancer once, i'm the stupid dickhead who invited it back..... holy shit , the guy who ruins everything
in March, i knew i was in a heck of a bad deal..
April, still hiding my stupidity, tumor is now really active.
may - june - still growing, not painful at all, but still active,, and i was really giving it all my best , trying to stop it,, i think physically, i was beating it,, but mentally , i was still feeding it... it's "Neck n neck" - hee hee , as much as i was killing , it was replacing that with new cancer cells.. this tumor can change shape hourly,, it's really odd
mentally, i thought it was gonna grow until june, when i was going to be seen by everyone at Father's Day,, and it was pretty big then, as expected
my weight started to drop,, got down to 135.8 ,, world's record for me ..still eating tons of stuff, but loosing weight,, strength still good, brain is a mess.
on july 2nd , it was 2 years,, and now it is starting to become painful. the tumor is pretty big, and at some times , the pain spike is at level 13.. if it stays in that pain bracket too long , my mind shuts down... what have i done ??
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
and now i'm certain that the return is from my stupid bad secret, swirling around, non-stop, like the Zipper, at a low budget carnival,,
the last thing i want is to be in pain,, and then ,, i don't want to take pain pills,, no way....
had 3 gigs- july 12 - 13 - & 14th. the week before these, the pain spikes we starting to become more frequent, and just doing my daily stuff became a real chore..
i got some pain pills from a friend, and used them " correctly" ?? , and was able to get through that week & weekend in good style..
but the next week ,, i knew i am in trouble, the pain is almost always on ... it felt like the the edge of the tumor was a saw blade, working back n forth,, with a hornet inside the middle stinging me, frequently.. ouchie
so i did what i thought i'd never do , went to the doctor and asked for pain meds. Not a cool thing to do in Indiana,, now i'm on the "list" .. so i got a month's supply,, and i am making sure i do not over use these.. i am against pain meds,, but not sleeping was not helping me heal.. i'm cracking them in 1/2, and waiting until it's really hurting before i take one.
i had to switch to working all nights, because my "daily" routine has grown to almost 3 hours,, so to get to work at 10 am, i need to up and at it at 6:30,, and if i couldn't get to sleep till 2 am,, that makes for 4 1/2 hours.. not enough.
stress at work has been up also,, the modern teenage worker is not like the old days
not having 20 shows a month also is a drag.. the energy & healing juice from being on stage works wonders, i can't afford to do free shows, travel for nothing , and spend time at "value-less" shows.. so no stage juice
what has been a positive, is the band - otto & the Gearheads.. my guitar playing is getting better , and i keep writing new songs,, my comedy writing has been low for years now.. the same act- 12 years,, super polished, and extremely well done , but no real new stuff for a while now
i guess i could have just written this in December -- "" i drank 9 redbulls, how stupid , please forgive me, back to healing"" but i didn't , and now i'm paying the price..
so please don't punch me in the face, or wag your finger in front of me "dumbass" , when you see me again
the cancer fighting system i'm on didn't fail,, i introduced a bad element into it .. i screwed it up.. 90 days of mind melting bad vibes.. what a dumbass...
june 18th
july 25th
look at that sucker, sometimes it's round , and sometimes it is squared off
ok , my secret is out, i am not beating myself up over this anymore.. back to healing
shame on you otto !!!
i feel like i just confessed to my own murder?
health report
weight 143
strength top level
attitude re-freshed !!
pain mild to severe
tumor active
*****
(( blog edit -- since posting this
blog, a cancer survivor of the same thing informed me that what i
"googled" was incorrect, i stand corrected ))
good news for everyone
you're probably wondering ,, why i haven't blogged for months .. well, nothing really changed, and just living life was taking up most of my time. and it takes a decent amount of time to write a blog that can be read in just minutes. so yeah,, i got lazy about it
it's been since January,, here's what you missed..
like you i was frozen in Indy for months, it was too cold to go anywhere, and just a bummer for too long
on Jan 20th, my poisonous mind sent my tumor back to active.. i was approaching the 18th month mark - Feb - , and i couldn't stop thinking about cancer. then i saw - "you are what you think" .. and my tumor twitched and dang,, i said to my self,, "you just re-fired your cancer"
Feb.
my mind wouldn't shut off.. and soon enough , the tumor was starting to grow... i had a cancer talk scheduled in May, i was supposed to "tell my story" about healing myself , and now my neck was active.. i waited 2 weeks to see where it was going, and decided to cancel the May speech , i was stressing out big time, thinking , " i have to make this go away NOW ! , you have a date in 3 months" ...
Mid month, i was consumed by cancer take over thoughts.. they wouldn't shut off, and the tumor was still getting bigger.. and my nut cysts started to act up too,, so i scheduled some doctor appointments
March.
1 . regular doc - physical + blood work.. i still feel great , but wanted to make sure it was true
2. eye doctor. my eyes hurt and i thought i had tumors in my skull, pushing my eyes out of my head
3. dentist .. i have a new bump on my inner jaw bone, and was like "great - now you have jaw bone cancer too". i thought many of my teeth were loose, with cancer under them.
4. Urologist,, the old tiny cysts are becoming uncomfortable , and i wanted to make sure it wasn't testicular cancer
5. E N T . small growth by tonsil, my tumor is still growing, i'm stressing out , knowing what this guy is probably going to say.
the results ...
#1.. super healthy, blood work perfect, all organs good, NO issues, better than in december of 2012 WHEW !!!
#2. no tumors in skull !! ,no issues,, eye prescription changed a little ~ i have quite an imagination
#3 . bump is a "tomma" common bone growth, no big deal,, NO jaw cancer... teeth are not loose,,the skin on my finger was what wiggled, NO cancer under teeth.!! all normal ,, sweet !!
3 down 2 to go
#4. same type of cysts as last time, can have removed "whenever",, NOT cancer... ta daaaaaaaa
#5. as expected, cancer, same place , same cancer as before.. doctor recommends , major tonsil-ectomy , remove neck tumor, ( 4 cm !! at the time of visit , that's huge ) ,, and remove 7 lymph nodes.. he also wants me to have a new CT scan and a new PET scan, before the operation.
i told him i needed to think it over..this was april 2nd
so i've been back in battle cancer mode and didn't want to start blogging about it until i chilled out , and got my shit together..
last time i blogged without thinking , and said some crap i shouldn't have. So this round I will be more positive.
so i "have cancer" again, but this time i have so much data for success, and have learned much more. Again, i am going to make it go away.
please don't be bummed out , this should have been expected. My body has not been damaged at all during my adventure , only made MUCH stronger.. my MIND screwed it up..
send good vibes again!!
so get ready for more blogs.
i have some stuff on my mind again
it's down to 3.1 cm , it changes shape almost daily,
feels like a bee is stinging it when the protocols take effect
wow , i've been gone for a while. i must apologize for my absence .
two major hollidays have gone by , and i didn't say a thing, how rude. not one thank you from me !! - for a wonderful year. not one thank you !! to all the nice people who supported me through this ordeal. how horrible.... i feel awful no christmas blessings from me, uncool . like the last blog , i "let the lawn get too high" again, and really freaked out..
well , let's get back to it..
here's what went on ... i'm still in a mild funk about the future. Not as bad as before , but worried about the planet.
i did a few shows since the last blog. the night before thanksgiving, the worst night for "surprise comedy", did a set in a little place . the night before thanksgiving , people want to P A R T Y !! woooooooooooooooo!! , not listen to some weirdo like me, or some other comics.. so i kind of got into a little tussle , while on stage with some people who just wouldn't shut up. i asked them to leave, and they did .. the funniest part of my set was otto's motto ......
be nice to as many people as you can ,
as often as you can ,
it's absolutely free -
I'll be nice to you - and you'll be nice to me ..
and just like " tag"
we can start tonight,
and tomorrow will be a better world...
unless you were the assholes who i asked to leave ..
ding.
Rapper sung a song about my concussions at the october Funhouse,, it was very true & funny.. a few weeks later, me , rapper, Heather, my Dad & Lee, got together and my Dad mentioned to Heather how i had hit my head "a few times" . Each thing he said was almost a direct line from Rapper's song.. one after another - With the "capper" Dad says "that's why he doesn't think right"... The 3 of us giggled really hard , and Dad asked what's so funny ? We told him about the song , and everyone laughed really hard.... yay !! head injury happiness
for 11 years I've performed at The North Side News X-mas Party, every dec 23rd @ 10 :30 .. last year ( 2012) i pussed out.. i was still in full "battle cancer" mode. That December i felt great, but was still mentally screwed to pieces. i was super happy JUST to be there , alive & feeling well . i didn't need any stress from a show where no one gives a crap if i'm doing it or not. That's what made The N S N set a challenge , and fun to do every year.. So this year (2013) i was ready.. i explained why i weenied out in 2102, and gave the great news from june - "No evidence of disease" . the crowd actually listened ,, for a bit,, i kept it really short , and had a great time ..
did a show on saturday night december 28th - Poor Man's New years Eve.. In a a Chinese Resturant. it also was a benefit show for another cancer patient. the place was packed , and everyone had a blast.. A young gal, maybe 9 , came up to me after and said - " I just want you to know you were hilarious" .. wow , what a great feeling !!!
New years eve -- i've done this for years now ..... just before midnight - 11:57 , i stepped out on the porch , and waited for the gun fire .. pow !!
11:58 ,, oh my !! , 11 :59.. oh yeah -- here it comes . midnight .. BOOM !! chirrrrakkka !!! pow pow pow pow pow pow pow ..for 8 solid minutes.. sounded like a war was going on. oh big city life
ok, 2013 ,, is done,, all behind,, a great year
so i should have blogged , but i didn't.. i just didn't feel like it.. it had been really long 40 + days,, i just had nothing to say really..
the snow storm--- i loved it, i did loose 2 days of work, but i really liked it .. we had food, we were ready, i did go to Costco the day before the storm. Its was strange.. blank pallets , empty boxes every where.. surreal . the snow blower made digging out a snap. no pipes froze when the Artic Blast followed.. all is good
i twisted my mind up by not blogging,, i'll do it tomorrow, yeah right,,
i still am thinking of the wrong things too much. i should be overjoyed just to be here, i'm so blessed. super lucky too.........
ok , that's the catch-up ..
health update
weight 148
attitude coming back to the surface
pain zero
strength even better , increased all exercise #'s
what put me in the funk the most is i have realized that my life is WAY different than i thought it was gonna be..
more on that soon ..........
and i sincerely thank everyone for all the help.. it's been 18 months.
i auditioned for America's Got Talent online.. i figured if they didn't want me online, they wouldn't want me doing the same 3 minutes in person either.. and i won't have to be in the convention center for 28 hours, with 25,000 other superstars
i'm back, over a month since last post. i hope everyone is healthier than last time.
i've had blog block again,, i think of great stuff while walking Bella, and then i get lazy and don't write
when i was a kid i had a lawn cutter job, and i put it off one day , the next two days it rained, the day after that i couldn't do it . So 5 days later, it was super tall, making it really hard to do , plus the house owner was pissed .. that made finally doing it pretty hard . morale of the story. do it now, then it's done, then there will be time for fun
here's what you've missed
my car ended up getting a new distributor, battery, axles, radiator, hoses. had an "on site " mechanic save me lots of $$ on the labor / stuff i couldn't do my self.. my car in new again . yippee!!
october 23rd was Esperanza's 2 years gone.. i miss her still, we had lots of great times together
0ctober 28th . 25 years sober !!! and big ass party at my open mic , Otto's Funhouse .. i didn't realize it until some comics pointed it out that i was having a sober b-day party in a bar . that's how i roll... the place was packed, lots of great performers. and it was also a bonus "otto Beat Cancer" party too.. really fun night.. i was asked if i did or got anything special for myself to celebrate,, yep, 2 oz of organic pistacio nuts
october 30th would have been my sister Mary's b-day, i wonder what she thinks , looking down from heaven, about what i did with my cancer..
nov 2nd . 16 months since diagnosis,, 6 months since
"no evidence of disease" ,, feeling great physically , no cancer symptoms at all .... mentally , i am pretty off track at the moment ( ie. no blog for 30 days)
nov 9th , at work , there was a big event , honoring Roger , my old boss, Stand Up 2 Cancer was involved. Tv stars, race car drivers , silent auction .. it was really wonderful.. they raised over $8000 . my belief about the cancer "funds" is, i wish instead of all of the money going into a pool of millions for research, give some money directly TO cancer patients . the $8000 would be enough to buy all organic food & vitamins for over a year , get a good juicer, and have a few $ left to bribe people for rides , if needed.. if someone handed me 6 K last july , that would have been really sweet.
nov 10th ,, i went to Rapper's house, he was cooking Cuban sandwiches, traditional style, slow roast pork, thin sliced ham, pickles, mustard, tomato, lettuce ,mayo, swiss, on big ass french bread.. my taste buds went crack-head on me.. since july 2nd 2012, 16 months, when i switched my diet , i have not been even tempted to eat anything besides my standard program. no problem. the smell of these things cooking, plus being crushed by a big pot full of water, making the crust so so good . wow .. so i actually had a tiny sliver.. maybe as much as my index finger.. oh my !!!! what an explosion of flavor & texture.
wow o wow !!! yummy !!
then i freaked out just a bit,, but realized i had maybe two grams of meat product, and the small amount of other stuff, not going to be an issue.. later i "could feel it crawling through me" ,,... so that broke the mental barrier about ONLY eating what i eat.. no physical problems followed.
the next week i had a few chips at work , maybe 20 total, over a 4 day span , with sweet baby Ray's bbq sauce on them.. this was not a good idea at all, it set off a bad reaction.. the GMO corn chips , & High Fructrose Corn Syrup in the sauce was super poison . my tast buds got me , Dang !! .. never again ............
had some fantastic shows the 15th , 16th , 17th , and 18th.
sold out, packed, best show ever, super fun.. not bad for a 4 night run
once i get on stage , life is normal. i need my Mr Manager job, but i'm the "no" guy.. if you know what i mean.. not super fun, like making people laugh.
weight on 11-18 -2013 .. 156.. what the *&^%$!!! i think the sliver of sandwich & the chips set off an internal bomb... 10 lbs out of nowhere.. i feel fat
back to precise amounts of the right stuff
had a brutal show saturday,, i did great , but it was super tough.. sometimes they put a comedy show somewhere it shouldn't be.. but no one got hurt and many people said i was super funny when i was loading out.
now with no cancer, i should be jumping with joy, screaming from a mountain top , letting people know that it's possible to have no pain while treating cancer. but i've been bummed out lately .. mostly about the planet, the Fukushima thing, i've followed it since day one,, and now , over 1000 days later, it's really in bad shape, the ocean is doomed, and the chain of events from that are just not good at all.. so i'm cancer free , but the planet is screwed, great.. i look at the wrong stuff on the internet. it bums me out , but i can't help it. our crappy $ system, the WAR's on "sfuff", our rights are being striped away quickly. too much to process.
so i'm trying to just be a happy guy , hour by hour,, and i've felt weak, so i didn't blog..
this week it was cold as f#@k , we had that crazy rain storm, then the temps dive bombed into the 20's .. there's a dog i see on our walks, who is always outside,, all the time.. how can it still be alive? it never gets to warm up . . if it has water , it's frozen, it's on a 4 foot chain, attached to a "dog house". a month ago, when it was in the 50's , i started getting concerned about it, wondering what's gonna happen when it gets cold.. still outside,, it was killing me , so last night , 18 degrees, i called the authorities. they said they'd send someone right over.. today , on our walk , he was not out side.. i just hope being inside isn't worse.. i mean , out side , he's not close to the creepy people who would do that TO a dog.. at least he's warm, .. how can a 100 degree dog, produce enough heat for so many days in a row, just sitting there ? that capped out my bummed out bucket . i had to call ..
ok healing time for everyone
have a great week , and be nice to your family members on thanksgiving.. it's easy for us, but i know some folks have it tough.
this is my 2nd year of "crazy food" for thanksgiving, but , last year , i was the only one awake 45 minutes after eating.. so this year ..i might take some "they're all snoozing" pics
so shake off the funk, take a few deep breaths ( 7 ) , and hop on the new attitude train
wooooooooooooo woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
it's been on my to do lists for weeks
almost one month since my last update. nothing amazing still .
i do like october , my dad's birthday , Rapper's birthday , my sister Mary's b-day, and my sobriety b-day 10 -28-1988.
25 years in just a few days... years ago i joked about being able to drink again , if i made it 25 years. 15 years ago, i chucked about the same idea, "only 10 years to go". July of 2012 , when i was assimilating all the cancer ideas, Rapper asked if i had thought about "alcohol therapy" , and i said - "if they are giving me Chemo , i am for sure drinking"
( another reason for me to not want chemo ).
drinking was gonna kill me , or i was gonna ruin my life with it.. it's legal, but just not for me . i haven't missed anything because i don't drink. and not drinking was easy , just don't touch it, don't put it in your mouth.. taa daaa.. cured.. physically .. took a few years for the mental aspect. and the jury is still out on that
i saw my mom put her last cigarette out, she said "
that's the last one " and it was. 34 years of smoking , done in one second. seeing that has been my inspirational moment of all time .. anything can be done!!
so switching my diet to fight & erase my cancer was not difficult , i did that in 10 seconds. and i'm still on it , & guess what - won't ever change
i'm not special, anyone can do what i did. when you are ready to change your life , you will .. some things help you decide, some things keep you on the same path.
i haven't written because nothing out side of normal has been going on,, i'm just a worker bee , like most of you , wake up, do my routine, go to work, eat all day, practice, or do a show, walk the dog, freak out about the future, go to sleep..
things don't go my way all the time , just like you . i went to get a present for rapper , , my car died ,, my diagnosis - battery , cap , rotor,, nope- DANG .. , 3 days later , distributor... runs like a champ now.
leaky radiator, all summer, so i've been using straight water, tomorrow it's gonna be 30 ... , i THOUGHT a new radiator would be $300 + , so i never looked,, ordered one last night $ 328 - sale price + free shipping = $ 57...........
57 !! what a dumbass i've been ,, $60 would have fixed me up months ago.. but i didn't look
i've been thinking of the wrong stuff,, it was, for so long , fight cancer, beat cancer , over and over. blah.. then that got lifted off me .. my mind got free'd up again..
in the last 15 months i did learn how to relax . and do nothing. it was important to heal, now, my showbiz mind is re-activated, and i feel guilty if i just relax. ya gotta be doing something !!! tic tic tic ,, come on!! get something going ,,bla bla bla.
health wise , super good
weight 146
pain barely, not stretching enough
attitude,. better . i got this blog written
strength added more reps to the weights
cancer thoughts.. frequently , and 3 months until 18 from diagnosis.. pretty wacky
when i got diagnosed, my comedy mind, thought ,, "wow, all this new material" , but nope,, not too much funny stuff about cancer.. funny to ME , but not the general public.. so i'll keep my mouth shut
i did get to tell my story last week to a small group who actually wanted to hear it. i wish i could do that professionally ..
and i was having trouble with "life's general purpose" we can talk about that next time ,,
stay healthy , and don't let your taste buds fool you
