the last blog was kind of intense, be glad you just had to read it, and not be living it. I had a couple of people chime in that the blog was "too much" for them to handle. You might be wondering , what feels good for me, because it can't be that bad all the time. The problem with face pain is it's so close to yer dang brain, so it's hard to "wish away". If your toe hurts, that's pretty far from the brain, so for me, it's pretty easy to filter out something like that. I know some people who suffer from foot pain, and they might say that last statement is a load of crap. I'll stick to what i know.
so here's what feels good for me, or how i try to get the pains off my mind.
my memory - it contains some really happy stuff, so if my "present" is undesirable, i try to pull up something fantastic. you can do this too. Best part about that is it's free and always there.
the guitar - playing guitar is a huge release. even if for just a few seconds, this works wonders. Playing for hours is even better.
cleaning - i like to clean stuff, the results are evident immediately . a clean and orderly house is wonderful. Vacuuming is a mental pleasure, especially seeing the dog hair get picked up. Shining silver stuff is a smile maker. Having things lined up straight (it's kind of OCD), is a relaxing sight. Having the laundry finished and put away correctly is nice. We have the big industrial type, so a huge load is no problem. My "closet" is the basement, a giant walk in closet that most gals would die for.
I like to color, like a 2nd grader, although i don't do this enough. I like to sell or give away my so called 'art', and have people color it and show me what they've done. The little drawings also are pain relievers , if i draw what pain i'm in, it leaves my body and goes onto the paper. I have 1000's of these , and many books of collections of them. You can borrow them, copy whatever you like and color it yourself. Yay !!
there are a few TV shows i really like. Master Chef Junior is awesome. We dumped ATT Uverse, and now just have 'air' TV. Some old shows like Green Acres, and Dragnet are great. I used to watch as much auto racing as possible, but racing is getting somewhat like Wrestling. NASCAR will put me to sleep faster than golf. F-1 is interesting , the technology is mind blowing. Those stupid shows like Maury, Jerry Springer, etc. should be banned from existence. They are worse then bad crack. I know they are ON tv so the average american can say , "well, at least my life isn't this bad" . I like to watch movies, and the Blue Ray stuff is great. Family Video is nearby, and it's really cheap. No wasting time on endless channel surfing.
Being ON stage is the ultimate feel good. Although watching horrible comedy is gruesome. I love to see people crash n burn. To me it's hilarious. Now when i'm featuring or Headlining, i prefer the other comics to have good skills, because a paying audience deserves a quality show. For Open Mic bar shows, the horrible comedian is just part of it. As long as they don't run the audience away, i'm ok with people trying to hone their skills and get better. If you NEVER get a laugh, then seriously think about not getting on stage . Just because you work hard at it, you might not ever be funny. Please don't stink up a room , not everyone can be a comedian.
i love to cook, but currently eating is a nightmare, so i am making super vegetable stews. potatoes, colored bell peppers, onions, cilantro, kale, asparagus, garlic, tomatoes, vegetable broth, all organic. I used to eat 3 pounds of broccoli a week, but my taste buds have had it with broccoli for a while. I make a huge pot of stew and use the blend-stick to make it super smooth, so i only have to crack my mouth open a little to drink it down. No chewing. I'm ashamed to say this , but i've been eating LOCAL eggs lately . I pouch them and whisk them into a mush, and can kinda 'drink' them. It's some quick calories,and protein. I have to get food past the pain zone, so i'm not on my super-exact anti-cancer diet . I'm adding avocado oil to almost everything for the fat calories. I used to eat one whole avocado a day, but the chewing is too painful, the oil replaces the whole ones. I use a lot of coconut oil too, on almost everything.
Once a month i get some 'stage juice' from my open mic at he Melody Inn. The 3rd monday each month, 13 + years and still going. ( next monday ). For some reason people love to yell Otto! whenever i'm seen in public. This feels fantastic.
The dog , Bella , is uplifting. She's so nice and loving. We've been working on "sit n stays" , twice a day. She enjoys learning, and it tuckers her out, good for both of us. She has an amazing internal clock. 7:30 am is wake-up time, and she usually gets me up just seconds before the alarm goes off. We both have breakfast, and then she goes back to bed until 11 am, when she gets her first walk of the day. Walk 2 is in the evening. She doesn't like to poop in our yard, so the walks are mandatory. She also likes to eat carrots and broccoli, which is her main snack.
Saturday night is Marty Stuart night over at my brother's house. What a great show, but it's NOT in HD on his satellite system. I know , how strange. After Marty is The Midwest Country Show from Sandstone Minnesota. It's 'kinda' an open mic for seasoned performers, and some of them are just terrible. Lots of time we have a jam session , keeping the GearHeads in tip top form.
I like having visitors. they bring lots of love and kindness.
Crossing off stuff on my daily list feels great, especially the PT and exercise stuff. Making juice everyday feels good.
What i do like most is hanging out with my brother. I'm sure i've been a pest many times over the years, but since the cancer deal, the time together is extra great. My #1 favorite memory from 2014 was october 21st, the first day i could talk after surgery. He was coming into the hospital room, and i said , " hi Rapper!!" The happy moment we both had will never be forgotten . "Otto can talk !!" even though i sounded like one of those bad cigarette commercials . What a happy moment. 2nd, was the first time i was able to get over to his house for a visit. We were both quite happy i survived the surgery..!
Now don't freak out , but one fantastic therapy i use is coffee enemas. 4 per day. They detox the system, relieve pain, and calm me down. Help me get to sleep. Really a great thing to do.
I see my Dad more often than ever before. It's great.
My Family is the best. Yes , way better than yours, without them i would have surely been gone. They have all stepped up and help so much.
People make me feel great. You , reading this , you're one of them. I'm not a big fan of "social media" , that term makes me cringe, but i do get a lot of love and good vibes from it, so I'm still using faceboogie.
I'm a dreamer, my imagination is way out there. I love to just imagine stuff, it makes the painful 'present' tolerable.
So, it's not all bad, my life right now. I still have both arms & legs. I can talk, and do most of what i used to do. It is still just 115 days since surgery. A long road ahead, i just wasn't expecting this pain deal, and being this weak. Me , Mr Positive, thought i'd bounce back to normality in just weeks, but noooooooooooooo.
So keep those good vibes coming please. The 11:11 gang is still working their magic twice daily. The Law Of Attraction is working really well for me. I love life , and all it has for me.
stay fantastic my friends!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
so, what does it feel like , this pain??
i talk about the pain, you may wonder what it feels like. i'll try to explain ..i might try some humor today
inside mouth pain -- do you know what a chore-boy is? or steel scratch pad? crack heads know exactly what a chore boy is... anyway.... people with really clean houses know what a steel scratch pad is, good for you... back to the pain. take 1/3 or a chore boy and put it way back in your mouth, stuff it behind your last molars where your jaw operates.. now start chewing... that's the inside mouth pain. talking or eating..
face pain - put your hand on your face , thumb behind your ear, palm on cheek, pinky finger should be on your forehead. Open hand like when you made a turkey in art class in first grade. trace your hand with pen, that's kinda how the nerve system is spread out. There's lots of muscles there, they are very strong and active. (My jaw muscles used to look like i was a pit-bull, from clenching from job stress 14 hours a day). Now imagine all the space inside the traced area is on fire, or really hot like one of those metal loops you put in charcoal briquets to get a bbq going... yeah,, that's it.
one more specific place. just under your ear lobe. take a sharpie, keep the cap on, spin it around so the grey end is poking right there. Now start pushing it into your skin, try it. push that sucker,,harder, harder, even harder. Are your feet shaking yet? keep pushing... Are you screaming out loud yet? push harder you weanie.. Is the arm you're using starting to jiggle like a paint shaker at the hardware store? Keep pushing. Now your feet should be jumping around the floor like an electric football player from 1960. Your mind should be asking you what the hell you are doing.. If you are starting to fall out of the chair, you are in the zone... enjoy
Add this.. the lower teeth on the right side of your face are vibrating like tuning forks, and if you have any whiskers, barely touching them feels like needles churning in your skin...
If you talk for more than 11 minutes, your tongue swells up and you sound like Corky. That hurts too
Now, this isn't a one time deal, this is 24 hours a day, (since early December).
one pills does nothing , 2 kinda work...
here is an artist's rendition...
i'm the artist..
the bolts hurt, spirals are pain
nail in the ear, spiral is pain
and the sword kinda sums it up
,but i am trying to bounce back from this....
and i would be two weeks into back to work NOW, if the SS didn't happen
share some happiness with someone OR everyone you can
love - otto
inside mouth pain -- do you know what a chore-boy is? or steel scratch pad? crack heads know exactly what a chore boy is... anyway.... people with really clean houses know what a steel scratch pad is, good for you... back to the pain. take 1/3 or a chore boy and put it way back in your mouth, stuff it behind your last molars where your jaw operates.. now start chewing... that's the inside mouth pain. talking or eating..
face pain - put your hand on your face , thumb behind your ear, palm on cheek, pinky finger should be on your forehead. Open hand like when you made a turkey in art class in first grade. trace your hand with pen, that's kinda how the nerve system is spread out. There's lots of muscles there, they are very strong and active. (My jaw muscles used to look like i was a pit-bull, from clenching from job stress 14 hours a day). Now imagine all the space inside the traced area is on fire, or really hot like one of those metal loops you put in charcoal briquets to get a bbq going... yeah,, that's it.
one more specific place. just under your ear lobe. take a sharpie, keep the cap on, spin it around so the grey end is poking right there. Now start pushing it into your skin, try it. push that sucker,,harder, harder, even harder. Are your feet shaking yet? keep pushing... Are you screaming out loud yet? push harder you weanie.. Is the arm you're using starting to jiggle like a paint shaker at the hardware store? Keep pushing. Now your feet should be jumping around the floor like an electric football player from 1960. Your mind should be asking you what the hell you are doing.. If you are starting to fall out of the chair, you are in the zone... enjoy
Add this.. the lower teeth on the right side of your face are vibrating like tuning forks, and if you have any whiskers, barely touching them feels like needles churning in your skin...
If you talk for more than 11 minutes, your tongue swells up and you sound like Corky. That hurts too
Now, this isn't a one time deal, this is 24 hours a day, (since early December).
one pills does nothing , 2 kinda work...
here is an artist's rendition...
i'm the artist..
,but i am trying to bounce back from this....
and i would be two weeks into back to work NOW, if the SS didn't happen
share some happiness with someone OR everyone you can
love - otto
Friday, January 30, 2015
thanks for playing along
besides cancer, i usually have things "go my way". i've been Mr Lucky since i was a kid.
my operation was a success, i have some permanent alterations to my body, but that's ok with me. my right shoulder is very different than before, but my arm still kinda works. my right hand is normal, but the motions my arm can do are limited. It's hard to do certain movements, but i can still play guitar. I can't use my fat hollowbody, because it wont fit "under my arm", so the Tele is getting all the music for now.
my Jaw is very painful. ouchie!! i wake up at pain level 3 or 4, and it feels like i've been to the dentist everyday. It's like a really bad case of TMJ. my teeth feel like tuning forks that are vibrating. i can open my mouth now 90 playing cards wide, the progress is slow but still improving..
from a distance, you'd think i've got it made... i don't have to work, i get to just stay home and goof off . i wish..
the pain has become a nightmare. i don't like drugs - i've been a drug addict ( always will be ) , but im proud to have kicked many years ago. i'm on year 26 clean, that's something...
now i'm in the pain pill situation which really blows. i needed them when the tumor became painful in July. i needed them after surgery, and was so proud to wean off them in december. It took 5 weeks, i was still in lots of pain, but wasn't taking them. My pain doctor was surprised that i was able to get off them. Then my jaw problems became apparent . I needed to have "some" so i could knock down the pain spikes and rest / relax / sleep.
eating and talking escalates the pain. it's brutal. If i talk for more than 10 minutes, later in the day i'm a basket case. It really hurts to chew, not strength, just the movement. It takes over an hour to eat what used to take 8 minutes. if i'm on enough pills to be pain free - then im a zombie, no pills - and i'm a wreck. where's the happy medium? i asked for 4 per day after weaning off them , so i could have some when needed. The 4 a day wasn't enough. my jaw is screwed. the dentist confirmed that. So i had to go back to 6 a day ( if needed). when the doctor hit 6 in his computer it chimed. He turns to me and says - "they are gonna drug test you"...
drug test me ?? yep. since my amounts went from ( per day ) 2, 4, 6 , 8, 8, 8, 4, then 6 - they want to make sure i am taking them and not selling them.. what a crock of shit... so i'm getting drug tested to MAKE SURE I'M ON DRUGS.. yeah, that's the government... so my next visit i get tested at his office AND another site by the state. Blood tests.. i was hoping to wean off this batch, but forget that. My jaw hurts too much anyway, i need these creepy things.
he said make sure they find nothing else...if they do. i can loose my SS benefits. yeah - oh joy...
another SS deal that's all screwed up is they are scrutinizing my finances. if i have too much $, i loose my SS I benefits ( is it possible to have too much money? ). the magic number is $2000. they think if you have 2 K , you are rich and need no help . even if your expenses are $1400 a month , the 2K is too much. Go over 2000 and you must report it so they can delete their amount. Don't report and you get suspended for 12 months. They want to know if you eat alone or with other people, because sharing food is income. Win a $20 scratch off ticket - you must report that so they can delete that amount. Anybody gives you $ , you must report. ( loans are kind of ok, but don't go over the 2000)
If you sell some of your stuff, like an extra guitar or clothes, that's income and must be reported. If you don't report, they suspend you. How can a person survive without help? Ya can't work because of physical limitations, but you can't get help financially .If ya get suspended , they stop your $$ , and you can't work because that gets you kicked off the system.. They got ya by the balls for sure. Get arrested, your done.
That's what's been on my mind for the last few weeks. You all are so nice to care about me and HELP me like you have, and i don't blog enough to keep you updated. Well it hurts to blog. My face gets all numb typing. Why - i can't figure it out.
i've written a couple blogs and hit the wrong button on this (new to me) laptop and deleted hours of work. Then i'm frustrated as f^%K and give up for a few days - or weeks.
the first batch of feeding tube food had lots of sugar in it.(20 grams per 8 oz) I gained all my weight back (145), but lost some in the last few weeks from the painful eating situation. I did find a different protein drink with only 1 gram of sugar per 11 oz. with 160 calories, and use that in addition to eating as much as i can painfully stand.
ok that's all i can take - you guys are the greatest!!! without your support, love, positive vibes and prayers i would for sure be dead. I like being alive, i don't want to die.
health report :::
weight ................. 133, too low
strength ............... 50%
pain .................... 6 - 10 average
attitude ............... trying hard 2 b +
i'm trying to stay away from faceboogie, but i get too much good loving vibes to completely dump it.
im in the running for NUVO magazine's Best Cover contest. i dont have the link here. my cover date was 10/9/2003 if you go to the magazine, it's in the Best Of NUVO 25 years section. there's a link on my facebook page . you can only vote once.
e-mail me direct if you want
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
tomorrow i'll have my 1000th freaking pain pill since july
and THANKS !!!!! to the Food Angels .
my operation was a success, i have some permanent alterations to my body, but that's ok with me. my right shoulder is very different than before, but my arm still kinda works. my right hand is normal, but the motions my arm can do are limited. It's hard to do certain movements, but i can still play guitar. I can't use my fat hollowbody, because it wont fit "under my arm", so the Tele is getting all the music for now.
my Jaw is very painful. ouchie!! i wake up at pain level 3 or 4, and it feels like i've been to the dentist everyday. It's like a really bad case of TMJ. my teeth feel like tuning forks that are vibrating. i can open my mouth now 90 playing cards wide, the progress is slow but still improving..
from a distance, you'd think i've got it made... i don't have to work, i get to just stay home and goof off . i wish..
the pain has become a nightmare. i don't like drugs - i've been a drug addict ( always will be ) , but im proud to have kicked many years ago. i'm on year 26 clean, that's something...
now i'm in the pain pill situation which really blows. i needed them when the tumor became painful in July. i needed them after surgery, and was so proud to wean off them in december. It took 5 weeks, i was still in lots of pain, but wasn't taking them. My pain doctor was surprised that i was able to get off them. Then my jaw problems became apparent . I needed to have "some" so i could knock down the pain spikes and rest / relax / sleep.
eating and talking escalates the pain. it's brutal. If i talk for more than 10 minutes, later in the day i'm a basket case. It really hurts to chew, not strength, just the movement. It takes over an hour to eat what used to take 8 minutes. if i'm on enough pills to be pain free - then im a zombie, no pills - and i'm a wreck. where's the happy medium? i asked for 4 per day after weaning off them , so i could have some when needed. The 4 a day wasn't enough. my jaw is screwed. the dentist confirmed that. So i had to go back to 6 a day ( if needed). when the doctor hit 6 in his computer it chimed. He turns to me and says - "they are gonna drug test you"...
drug test me ?? yep. since my amounts went from ( per day ) 2, 4, 6 , 8, 8, 8, 4, then 6 - they want to make sure i am taking them and not selling them.. what a crock of shit... so i'm getting drug tested to MAKE SURE I'M ON DRUGS.. yeah, that's the government... so my next visit i get tested at his office AND another site by the state. Blood tests.. i was hoping to wean off this batch, but forget that. My jaw hurts too much anyway, i need these creepy things.
he said make sure they find nothing else...if they do. i can loose my SS benefits. yeah - oh joy...
another SS deal that's all screwed up is they are scrutinizing my finances. if i have too much $, i loose my SS I benefits ( is it possible to have too much money? ). the magic number is $2000. they think if you have 2 K , you are rich and need no help . even if your expenses are $1400 a month , the 2K is too much. Go over 2000 and you must report it so they can delete their amount. Don't report and you get suspended for 12 months. They want to know if you eat alone or with other people, because sharing food is income. Win a $20 scratch off ticket - you must report that so they can delete that amount. Anybody gives you $ , you must report. ( loans are kind of ok, but don't go over the 2000)
If you sell some of your stuff, like an extra guitar or clothes, that's income and must be reported. If you don't report, they suspend you. How can a person survive without help? Ya can't work because of physical limitations, but you can't get help financially .If ya get suspended , they stop your $$ , and you can't work because that gets you kicked off the system.. They got ya by the balls for sure. Get arrested, your done.
That's what's been on my mind for the last few weeks. You all are so nice to care about me and HELP me like you have, and i don't blog enough to keep you updated. Well it hurts to blog. My face gets all numb typing. Why - i can't figure it out.
i've written a couple blogs and hit the wrong button on this (new to me) laptop and deleted hours of work. Then i'm frustrated as f^%K and give up for a few days - or weeks.
the first batch of feeding tube food had lots of sugar in it.(20 grams per 8 oz) I gained all my weight back (145), but lost some in the last few weeks from the painful eating situation. I did find a different protein drink with only 1 gram of sugar per 11 oz. with 160 calories, and use that in addition to eating as much as i can painfully stand.
ok that's all i can take - you guys are the greatest!!! without your support, love, positive vibes and prayers i would for sure be dead. I like being alive, i don't want to die.
health report :::
weight ................. 133, too low
strength ............... 50%
pain .................... 6 - 10 average
attitude ............... trying hard 2 b +
i'm trying to stay away from faceboogie, but i get too much good loving vibes to completely dump it.
im in the running for NUVO magazine's Best Cover contest. i dont have the link here. my cover date was 10/9/2003 if you go to the magazine, it's in the Best Of NUVO 25 years section. there's a link on my facebook page . you can only vote once.
e-mail me direct if you want
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
tomorrow i'll have my 1000th freaking pain pill since july
and THANKS !!!!! to the Food Angels .
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Ding !!! really
a few blogs ago i asked for good vibes for the Social Security agency. You guys poured them on . thank you.
i've been waiting for a call from them , hoping for approval, but expecting a denial. Some people messaged me with their horror stories about being denied and then all the appeals. This took months and in one case years. I was not ready for any of that. Most people said to be ready to wait a long time.
friday, i look at my bank account and notice it's more than i thought . I scroll down and see that SSI has deposited $$.. Holy Shit!! Its was after 5 , so i had to wait till monday to call them to see what was up. Well, super fantastic news kids - i 've been approved.
Great for me , but now i'm one of those "suckers leaching off the government". well , that's the way it is.
so this is some happiness for me, !!! yay!!
i know the casual observer might be envious of a guy "who doesn't have to work" , but there was / is a trade-off. i'm very altered, and have a chance of cancer returning. I'm in pain , big time, and it hurts to eat. Imagine eating being the most painful thing you are gonna do. it sucks horribly, and i like to watch the food channels.. bummer
So thanks again for the positive vibes!!! they worked. another miracle for me.
health report :
weight 142
strength 48%
attitude good
pain very high at times
outlook superfantastic
email me direct
positivemolecule@sbcglobal.net
blast from the past ......
go go go go goodby
go go go go goodby
GO GO GO GO GOODBY !!!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
update, cold as hell
Happy new year, lets hope this one is all of our best ones yet. My year of last wont be hard to beat. I did make it , so that's pretty good...
No facebook - it's the way to go.
my health is very slowly returning. i still am low on stamina, i've doubled my walking and bike riding but i still wear out quick. my mental state was getting pretty low, the time line of return to work / out of money was closing in. I'm not near healthy enough to go back to work, and if i do, i get eliminated from possibly getting SS Benefits. I called out to my family for financial help and they did instantly. I am so blessed to have them.
My jaw is not getting better, my face is numb as hell, on the right side. Im not sure if it's just swelling from the jaw repair, or the disease has already come back. That would suck - big time. Today was the last day of the Ensure protein / nutrient drink. That stuff has 20 grams of sugar per bottle X 7 a day, is a shit load of sugar. Im not proud that it took so long to get off that stuff, it took less time to get off the Percocets. I did re-up my pain med script - 4 per day if needed -for the jaw pain. Different things makes the pain spike - the Ensure was one of them, i think there is an anti-sugar spot in my mouth, and if something has sugar in it -- WHAM !!! pain thru the roof. So i'm very happy to be on only real food again, but it hurts pretty bad.
This is week 4 after the SS Benefits appointment, so maybe next week i'll get an answer. Honestly, i do not want to return to work. I'll be one of those "people living off the government", which would be fine with me. The SS fund we all pay into on each paycheck, and i've payed in about $45,000 , so if the government has to pay my way for a few years ( they bet your cancer will return ) , they will still be ahead . I will not be a burden to your $, just what i've payed in. You've seen the Social security lawyer commercials ? When i called the SS office, just to get an appointment, 45 seconds after i hung up , Michael , from the Hensley Group called and gave me the speech you hear on TV. they must have a robot that monitors the phone lines, incredible.
i'm not a fan of cold weather, man am i lucky i get to just stay in. The dog walks are great , they are good therapy, but we don't go if it's near zero out, and these last few days have been way too cold. So Bella's bored , you can only sleep so much -- . I used to tell Bella , i will gladly swap lives with you ( before i got cancer) , as i was leaving for work. She was sometimes grumpy that i had to leave for work and she had to get in her "house".
i miss being ON stage, but not all the other crap involved. the juice from the audience is the best dope ever.
ok here's the health report.
weight 143
strength 47 %
attitude relieved, i was freaking out
pain jaw-when eating can be explosive
outlook positive
i see my dentist next week, and i'll get to see if my jaw is off, or it's my dang imagination
e mail me direct if you want
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
stay healthy
No facebook - it's the way to go.
my health is very slowly returning. i still am low on stamina, i've doubled my walking and bike riding but i still wear out quick. my mental state was getting pretty low, the time line of return to work / out of money was closing in. I'm not near healthy enough to go back to work, and if i do, i get eliminated from possibly getting SS Benefits. I called out to my family for financial help and they did instantly. I am so blessed to have them.
My jaw is not getting better, my face is numb as hell, on the right side. Im not sure if it's just swelling from the jaw repair, or the disease has already come back. That would suck - big time. Today was the last day of the Ensure protein / nutrient drink. That stuff has 20 grams of sugar per bottle X 7 a day, is a shit load of sugar. Im not proud that it took so long to get off that stuff, it took less time to get off the Percocets. I did re-up my pain med script - 4 per day if needed -for the jaw pain. Different things makes the pain spike - the Ensure was one of them, i think there is an anti-sugar spot in my mouth, and if something has sugar in it -- WHAM !!! pain thru the roof. So i'm very happy to be on only real food again, but it hurts pretty bad.
This is week 4 after the SS Benefits appointment, so maybe next week i'll get an answer. Honestly, i do not want to return to work. I'll be one of those "people living off the government", which would be fine with me. The SS fund we all pay into on each paycheck, and i've payed in about $45,000 , so if the government has to pay my way for a few years ( they bet your cancer will return ) , they will still be ahead . I will not be a burden to your $, just what i've payed in. You've seen the Social security lawyer commercials ? When i called the SS office, just to get an appointment, 45 seconds after i hung up , Michael , from the Hensley Group called and gave me the speech you hear on TV. they must have a robot that monitors the phone lines, incredible.
i'm not a fan of cold weather, man am i lucky i get to just stay in. The dog walks are great , they are good therapy, but we don't go if it's near zero out, and these last few days have been way too cold. So Bella's bored , you can only sleep so much -- . I used to tell Bella , i will gladly swap lives with you ( before i got cancer) , as i was leaving for work. She was sometimes grumpy that i had to leave for work and she had to get in her "house".
i miss being ON stage, but not all the other crap involved. the juice from the audience is the best dope ever.
ok here's the health report.
weight 143
strength 47 %
attitude relieved, i was freaking out
pain jaw-when eating can be explosive
outlook positive
i see my dentist next week, and i'll get to see if my jaw is off, or it's my dang imagination
e mail me direct if you want
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
stay healthy
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
last blog 2014
the end of the year . and what a year it was..
i'm not gonna sign the new agreement for facebook for a couple of weeks. i get TONS of love from my facboogie friends, but it is mostly a time waster. i don't "use it" correctly.
so please subscribe to my blog, most people get it from faceboogie , but i wont be able to put it on there myself.
year end review
weight 144 !
strength 45%
attitude NEW & improved
pain jaw mild to severe
outlook positive , slowly improving
i want to say THANK YOU to all of you , this year was a doosey, and without your help, i would have died. it was close, those tumors were gonna get me. you all really stepped up in many ways, the fund, the constant "well wishes", the 11:11 gang, and good vibes sent have carried me through this very challenging adventure
you can e-mail me direct if you need to contact me
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
the main thing i learned during the last few years is that LOVE is the most important thing ... giving it away is #1, receiving LOVE keeps people alive & well. LOVE beats everything.
ok have a great new year,, i'll be OFF faceboogie for two weeks minimum.. i dont know if my account will go dark .
one last time in 2014 --- thank you!!!!!
i'm not gonna sign the new agreement for facebook for a couple of weeks. i get TONS of love from my facboogie friends, but it is mostly a time waster. i don't "use it" correctly.
so please subscribe to my blog, most people get it from faceboogie , but i wont be able to put it on there myself.
year end review
weight 144 !
strength 45%
attitude NEW & improved
pain jaw mild to severe
outlook positive , slowly improving
i want to say THANK YOU to all of you , this year was a doosey, and without your help, i would have died. it was close, those tumors were gonna get me. you all really stepped up in many ways, the fund, the constant "well wishes", the 11:11 gang, and good vibes sent have carried me through this very challenging adventure
you can e-mail me direct if you need to contact me
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
the main thing i learned during the last few years is that LOVE is the most important thing ... giving it away is #1, receiving LOVE keeps people alive & well. LOVE beats everything.
ok have a great new year,, i'll be OFF faceboogie for two weeks minimum.. i dont know if my account will go dark .
one last time in 2014 --- thank you!!!!!
Friday, December 12, 2014
positive stuff for sure
just a quick all positive stuff...
and some things i measure..
weight 136 * up from 125.8 on 10-23-14 ..........PLUS 10
how far i can open my mouth 84 playing cards ,
on 10 /23 i could only open 42 cards .............DOUBLE
strength , many measurements ,
last week i was at about 30 % , this week ~ 40 %.......+ 10
i was doing my weights empty handed, i then moved to 3 lbs, now i'm using 5 lbs, ............................................increase !!
i'm at 30 minutes on the bike,and doing stretches at the same time ........................................................increase!!
4 sets of P.T. for both my neck and mouth ......feels great
crunches - used to do 200 / up to 150, from 25 ......... + 125
weaned off the narcotics, from 8 + a day to zero, it took 5 weeks,, the zombie effect is wearing off ............... SUPER !
the feeding tube is removed,, it took 3 seconds, no pain ! now i can get back to my core exercises and gain some muscle weight ........ been waiting for this +++++++
the SS Office sent me a letter saying my application is moving forward. they included more papers to fill out.. so not denied ......................... this is fantastic
started juicing carrots & apples again yesterday , now that my throat works.. i still can't chew, so the VitaMix is making everything into a soup..
the BILLS are coming in, health insurance is covering about 96 % so far, i will have a specific blog about this when they all are in..
no bad events have happened since the operation,,
my skin graft area on my leg is about 75 % completely healed
the skin graft area on my neck is turning the same color as my neck, and the blood crustys are almost all gone
i'm setting realistic daily goals , and getting them done
i went to the movies for the first time in 14 years, the theater had big ass lazyboy chairs, and the movie was entertaining, i was invited out by one of my superfriends.... big fun!
i was able to sell my "too heavy" fender amp, and found the "one" i was wanting all along.. .............Y A Y !!!!
i am staying calm,, not like those annoying t shirts,, yeah stay calm ............ i'm trying to stay positive, you guys are really helping me with this.................. thank you !!!
have a super holiday also
and some things i measure..
weight 136 * up from 125.8 on 10-23-14 ..........PLUS 10
how far i can open my mouth 84 playing cards ,
on 10 /23 i could only open 42 cards .............DOUBLE
strength , many measurements ,
last week i was at about 30 % , this week ~ 40 %.......+ 10
i was doing my weights empty handed, i then moved to 3 lbs, now i'm using 5 lbs, ............................................increase !!
i'm at 30 minutes on the bike,and doing stretches at the same time ........................................................increase!!
4 sets of P.T. for both my neck and mouth ......feels great
crunches - used to do 200 / up to 150, from 25 ......... + 125
weaned off the narcotics, from 8 + a day to zero, it took 5 weeks,, the zombie effect is wearing off ............... SUPER !
the feeding tube is removed,, it took 3 seconds, no pain ! now i can get back to my core exercises and gain some muscle weight ........ been waiting for this +++++++
the SS Office sent me a letter saying my application is moving forward. they included more papers to fill out.. so not denied ......................... this is fantastic
started juicing carrots & apples again yesterday , now that my throat works.. i still can't chew, so the VitaMix is making everything into a soup..
the BILLS are coming in, health insurance is covering about 96 % so far, i will have a specific blog about this when they all are in..
no bad events have happened since the operation,,
my skin graft area on my leg is about 75 % completely healed
the skin graft area on my neck is turning the same color as my neck, and the blood crustys are almost all gone
i'm setting realistic daily goals , and getting them done
i went to the movies for the first time in 14 years, the theater had big ass lazyboy chairs, and the movie was entertaining, i was invited out by one of my superfriends.... big fun!
i was able to sell my "too heavy" fender amp, and found the "one" i was wanting all along.. .............Y A Y !!!!
i am staying calm,, not like those annoying t shirts,, yeah stay calm ............ i'm trying to stay positive, you guys are really helping me with this.................. thank you !!!
have a super holiday also
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
this guy is always asking for something
i know i ask for lots of help, and you wonderful people have all stepped up and kept me alive.
i'm asking for more help. i applied for S.S. benefits on monday.
if you could please send some positive vibes to the social security administration to help me get approved
if you repeat this out loud or just in your mind, i think they will all add up and get me that extra push to approval
here's the mantra
-- social security administration- please approve otto for his disability claim --
i've launched that thought, and if we all add to it , i think it will land in the right place
the gal on monday said she "thought " that i'd be approved,, so we need to push that thought all the way to positively approved
cancer seems to be the magic word,, and i'm not faking it.
it's a fund we all pay into each paycheck, i've been paying 38 years..
ok !!!!!! thanks for helping me again
i'm asking for more help. i applied for S.S. benefits on monday.
if you could please send some positive vibes to the social security administration to help me get approved
if you repeat this out loud or just in your mind, i think they will all add up and get me that extra push to approval
here's the mantra
-- social security administration- please approve otto for his disability claim --
i've launched that thought, and if we all add to it , i think it will land in the right place
the gal on monday said she "thought " that i'd be approved,, so we need to push that thought all the way to positively approved
cancer seems to be the magic word,, and i'm not faking it.
it's a fund we all pay into each paycheck, i've been paying 38 years..
ok !!!!!! thanks for helping me again
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
i found some blogs i started
it's been almost a month, sorry for the absence . i am slowly healing. it's only been 40 days since surgery, and compared to what happened to me , and how i look now it is a miracle. the surgeon did a great job. I've had 3 re-checks, and am healing ahead of schedule..
as a kid , you become friends with your shadow, some kids are scared, i always enjoyed having mine around.. then it got real crazy, the months before surgery..check it out.., i could not get away from the tumor ..
the knob was gruesome,,i can barely remember having it now..
and i've gone from this --
the staples are still in, neck patch still on, to this
neck starting to look normal, almost all the blood crustys have fallen off, and the skin graft is starting to change color like my neck. staples scar is healing really nice, i weigh 131..
i am 4 days into NOT using the feeding tube. after 2 weeks of not using it, i can have it removed. i can't do my "core" exercises with this stuck in me.
my restrictions about mobility and weight lifting have been removed. so now i can get as fit as possible as soon as i can ..
the new challenge is eating.. you take it for granted, just popping something into your mouth and chewing away.. so do I .. what i have started doing is making a bowl of food like i used to,, throw it into the VitaMix, and turn it into a soup.. this takes about 2 hours to eat, and some bites are pain off the chart!! i don't have anything else to do , and this is a "must do" physical therapy. when i left the hospital, i could only open my mouth as wide as 40 playing cards, yesterday i was up to 70, a hard boiled egg is wider than 2 decks of cards, so i've got some work ahead of me.
i wasn't expecting such a painful new deal. before all the pains were from the outside moving in. now , i'm in no real pain until food time.It's inside my face, back by my right jaw.. it can be minimal to 12+ , i don't know , there is one super sensitive spot, and how the food passes over this area can differ from minute to minute. i haven't chewed anything since october 15th, and then didn't swallow anything until october 28th. So now i have to get back to eating 5 big ass bowls of food a day again. this is not gonna be easy. my face nerves are on fire frequently also.. the skin graft area on my leg is doing great.
my only "real job",besides healing, is actually writing this blob,, keeping you all informed.. without you all , i would not be doing this well. My sister set the fund up, and it hit the goal. i am LOVING not working. i have another 6 weeks off if everything gos right. not having to go to work in the winter is really nice.
in the upcoming blobs, i will tell of my hospital stay, and other stuff we haven't talked about.
health report
strength 30 %
pain spikes when eating, jaw is numb
attitude new month, new agenda , A+
weight 132.. i am adding "real" food daily
as a kid , you become friends with your shadow, some kids are scared, i always enjoyed having mine around.. then it got real crazy, the months before surgery..check it out.., i could not get away from the tumor ..
and i've gone from this --
i am 4 days into NOT using the feeding tube. after 2 weeks of not using it, i can have it removed. i can't do my "core" exercises with this stuck in me.
my restrictions about mobility and weight lifting have been removed. so now i can get as fit as possible as soon as i can ..
the new challenge is eating.. you take it for granted, just popping something into your mouth and chewing away.. so do I .. what i have started doing is making a bowl of food like i used to,, throw it into the VitaMix, and turn it into a soup.. this takes about 2 hours to eat, and some bites are pain off the chart!! i don't have anything else to do , and this is a "must do" physical therapy. when i left the hospital, i could only open my mouth as wide as 40 playing cards, yesterday i was up to 70, a hard boiled egg is wider than 2 decks of cards, so i've got some work ahead of me.
i wasn't expecting such a painful new deal. before all the pains were from the outside moving in. now , i'm in no real pain until food time.It's inside my face, back by my right jaw.. it can be minimal to 12+ , i don't know , there is one super sensitive spot, and how the food passes over this area can differ from minute to minute. i haven't chewed anything since october 15th, and then didn't swallow anything until october 28th. So now i have to get back to eating 5 big ass bowls of food a day again. this is not gonna be easy. my face nerves are on fire frequently also.. the skin graft area on my leg is doing great.
my only "real job",besides healing, is actually writing this blob,, keeping you all informed.. without you all , i would not be doing this well. My sister set the fund up, and it hit the goal. i am LOVING not working. i have another 6 weeks off if everything gos right. not having to go to work in the winter is really nice.
in the upcoming blobs, i will tell of my hospital stay, and other stuff we haven't talked about.
health report
strength 30 %
pain spikes when eating, jaw is numb
attitude new month, new agenda , A+
weight 132.. i am adding "real" food daily
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
look at this !!
are you believer ? do you believe in something you can't see , can't touch , can't alter , of course you do, and good thing too. remember the blob ? well lookie now ,, this has to heal
,, whew , that needs a band aid
Monday, October 27, 2014
Quickie up-date
welcome back .....................October 27th.
well i "thought" id be blogging like a hurricane as soon as i got home ( the 22nd ) but it took a few days to catch up on faceboogie, and i was really sore..
so here is a quickie update just "so you know"
everything went really well.
i'm still hurting, as expected , but it's pain from the procedures, not from the cancer... how i was working ,and trying to be a normal person in September is mind boggling. The days in October , leading up to the surgery, were like many episodes of Rod Serling's show -" Night Gallery"
ok that's it for today . i'm pretty THIN ~ 131 lbs
it's ALL good ,, detailed blog very soon . and here's a current photo
you have a fun filled day , it's gonna be the LAST warm day of the year
tell your friends that LOVE , Prayer , and positive vibes work..... ding !
well i "thought" id be blogging like a hurricane as soon as i got home ( the 22nd ) but it took a few days to catch up on faceboogie, and i was really sore..
so here is a quickie update just "so you know"
everything went really well.
i'm still hurting, as expected , but it's pain from the procedures, not from the cancer... how i was working ,and trying to be a normal person in September is mind boggling. The days in October , leading up to the surgery, were like many episodes of Rod Serling's show -" Night Gallery"
ok that's it for today . i'm pretty THIN ~ 131 lbs
it's ALL good ,, detailed blog very soon . and here's a current photo
tell your friends that LOVE , Prayer , and positive vibes work..... ding !
Thursday, October 16, 2014
today is the day
and then there's this
..................................................................................................
i'm in the hospital,
thanks for the good Vibes,
be back soon
ding
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
did the surgeon just say "oops" ?
oh my , it's been almost two weeks, i haven't worked, i'm on extended leave. i hope i can afford to stay home until January. i like not working, i must confess.
i thought i'd be mr chatty cathy since i had no job , but the last 12 days have been not wonderful.. the tumor senses it's doom, and i had to stop taking all the supliments & additives , so the tumor is really putting a hurt on me.. i do have enough pain pills, and i hope to get off these things VERY soon after surgery, but the pain has been astronomical. it physically hurts to eat, as the effected area is giant, so i've just been sleeping and eating, sleeping and eating. the last few nights the dang thing starts seeping while i'm asleep... eeek , what's the stream of liquid i feel ??? it's a Tosh.0 candidate.. gruesome. i wish it would completely explode, then thursday , they could just mini-vac out what's left.
i did go out and get one more show in,, last friday , at an eastside sports pub,, which usually doesn't work well,, " hi folks, we know you worked your asses off all week, and you're here to drink , watch sports, and talk to your friends, but we are gonna turn the TV's off, and ask that you don't talk, but please be courteous to the comics" .... and the kitchen used a "bell" , like me , so i couldn't use mine. super bummer..
but i just wanted to get some stage juice, and do a few minutes,, no guitar, go up early and get out. the lighting was underpar,, the crowd was talkative , i was asking myself , why was i here ?? , i'm "sick" with the cancer, full blown pain, wtf ?? well, that's the comic still left in me,, if i stayed home, in just as much pain, knowing there was a show close by ,, i would have gone insane not going ,, what a spiral of thoughts..... and then --my set was awesome,, i had great action 100% , had the whole room,, fan-tas-tic! GLAD i did that.. and one of my most favorite superFans , a Jem of a performer herself , was there !!
so ,, good thing i did that set .. then it was right back to "sleepy the cancer" boy..
i've been cleaning some too, but mostly sleeping as much as possible
i am ready to get in there and have them work their magic.. it must be wild to cut into someone, and there will be 3 of them , as a team,, i bet they are stoked to fix me.. i want to see the blob in a jar !!!
so if you'd like to do one more Good Vibes Transmission , it's going to be early, but at 8 am , thursday , if you'd like to pause, maybe 15 seconds , and send the SURGERY team some love and positive molecules... that would be great... your powerful vibes have been invigorating to me, so lets send the doctors & nurses some good JuJu too
if you've been doing the 11:11 - smile for otto , i've been feeling them,, thanks !!
i am as ready as i can be.. am i scared ?? well fuck yeah,, who wouldn't be.. it's natural.. (( let us not entertain any possible side effects or " dang , wish that didn't happen")) seriously - i KNOW everything will turn out "way better than we thought it would go".. so lets stick with ALL POSITIVES
after the operation, i will have lots of healing time, and i will have to stay home,, so expect more frequent blogging. some entertaining stuff too.. i already have a list of topics started
i must get back to being creative..
my mind is what i miss most
it's been the best 27 months of my life.. the cancer part sucked BIG time,, but everything else has been beautiful..
most beautiful - you people,, yes you ,, some i haven't ever met , but those vibes i ask for are felt, i may not have talked to you in person, but I've felt you,, your thoughts have melded into my being,, you have changed the course of my life.. that's pretty cool... i told some jokes, sang a song or two. but YOU , you've helped save my life.
october is a favorite month for me , Dad's b day , Rapper's B day , Heather & I met oct 9th 2008- at a GearHeads show, Mary's b day, Esperanza "leaves" 10 /23, and 10 /28 - 26 years of sobriety..
and now add 10 / 16 ~ Chop-Cut-Cancer..
i would never wish what i have on anybody, "you don't want any of this Dewey", but if you could be inside me for a zillionth of a second,, your mind would be blown by the amount of love you'd feel that is sent my way.
health report
weight 136
strength 98%
attitude very good
pain 10 + in spikes , constant 6
tumor it's ALIVE
ok, ,,
i humbly say thank you !
oh my - the good vibes, the prayers, the $ fund, the quick positive messages ,they have all added together to get me through this . i'd be so screwed without all of your help
Lil Buddy tellin me what's what
ok,, keep the love flowing , in every direction
i thought i'd be mr chatty cathy since i had no job , but the last 12 days have been not wonderful.. the tumor senses it's doom, and i had to stop taking all the supliments & additives , so the tumor is really putting a hurt on me.. i do have enough pain pills, and i hope to get off these things VERY soon after surgery, but the pain has been astronomical. it physically hurts to eat, as the effected area is giant, so i've just been sleeping and eating, sleeping and eating. the last few nights the dang thing starts seeping while i'm asleep... eeek , what's the stream of liquid i feel ??? it's a Tosh.0 candidate.. gruesome. i wish it would completely explode, then thursday , they could just mini-vac out what's left.
i did go out and get one more show in,, last friday , at an eastside sports pub,, which usually doesn't work well,, " hi folks, we know you worked your asses off all week, and you're here to drink , watch sports, and talk to your friends, but we are gonna turn the TV's off, and ask that you don't talk, but please be courteous to the comics" .... and the kitchen used a "bell" , like me , so i couldn't use mine. super bummer..
but i just wanted to get some stage juice, and do a few minutes,, no guitar, go up early and get out. the lighting was underpar,, the crowd was talkative , i was asking myself , why was i here ?? , i'm "sick" with the cancer, full blown pain, wtf ?? well, that's the comic still left in me,, if i stayed home, in just as much pain, knowing there was a show close by ,, i would have gone insane not going ,, what a spiral of thoughts..... and then --my set was awesome,, i had great action 100% , had the whole room,, fan-tas-tic! GLAD i did that.. and one of my most favorite superFans , a Jem of a performer herself , was there !!
so ,, good thing i did that set .. then it was right back to "sleepy the cancer" boy..
i've been cleaning some too, but mostly sleeping as much as possible
i am ready to get in there and have them work their magic.. it must be wild to cut into someone, and there will be 3 of them , as a team,, i bet they are stoked to fix me.. i want to see the blob in a jar !!!
so if you'd like to do one more Good Vibes Transmission , it's going to be early, but at 8 am , thursday , if you'd like to pause, maybe 15 seconds , and send the SURGERY team some love and positive molecules... that would be great... your powerful vibes have been invigorating to me, so lets send the doctors & nurses some good JuJu too
if you've been doing the 11:11 - smile for otto , i've been feeling them,, thanks !!
i am as ready as i can be.. am i scared ?? well fuck yeah,, who wouldn't be.. it's natural.. (( let us not entertain any possible side effects or " dang , wish that didn't happen")) seriously - i KNOW everything will turn out "way better than we thought it would go".. so lets stick with ALL POSITIVES
after the operation, i will have lots of healing time, and i will have to stay home,, so expect more frequent blogging. some entertaining stuff too.. i already have a list of topics started
i must get back to being creative..
my mind is what i miss most
it's been the best 27 months of my life.. the cancer part sucked BIG time,, but everything else has been beautiful..
most beautiful - you people,, yes you ,, some i haven't ever met , but those vibes i ask for are felt, i may not have talked to you in person, but I've felt you,, your thoughts have melded into my being,, you have changed the course of my life.. that's pretty cool... i told some jokes, sang a song or two. but YOU , you've helped save my life.
october is a favorite month for me , Dad's b day , Rapper's B day , Heather & I met oct 9th 2008- at a GearHeads show, Mary's b day, Esperanza "leaves" 10 /23, and 10 /28 - 26 years of sobriety..
and now add 10 / 16 ~ Chop-Cut-Cancer..
i would never wish what i have on anybody, "you don't want any of this Dewey", but if you could be inside me for a zillionth of a second,, your mind would be blown by the amount of love you'd feel that is sent my way.
health report
weight 136
strength 98%
attitude very good
pain 10 + in spikes , constant 6
tumor it's ALIVE
ok, ,,
i humbly say thank you !
oh my - the good vibes, the prayers, the $ fund, the quick positive messages ,they have all added together to get me through this . i'd be so screwed without all of your help
Lil Buddy tellin me what's what
ok,, keep the love flowing , in every direction
Thursday, October 2, 2014
it's friday,
i am feeling real good about the upcoming event. months from now , i will be a zippty-do-da,walla-ka-zo, zim-flam babbatty bo - back to my self ,, and off the pain pills..
october is a more special month for me than the other months.. lots of B-days, Esperanza's send off month, and my 26 years of sobriety. in the drinking biz,, if you've been on the wagon, and ya get cancer , most people would bet that you'd have a good chance of "havin a drink" ,,i mean - come 'on , the guy has cancer,, stuff like that,, but i didn't,, i wanted to a few times for sure ,, and now on the dope,, man one smooth bourbon would be epic. but NO way man.. so that's a good thing.
the blog is gonna get more action now that stuff if changing. remember positive vibes & prayers WORK.. every time , so keep them coming.. and if you think you'd like to do something odd for me,, , at 11:11 , in the morning or the evening, if you see that time on a clock, please just pause for a few seconds if you can, ( not if you are driving , etc.), and send me a smile.. my face is getting numb , so some smile vibes will tighten up those muscles for me.. this is 11:11 on a clock , not a calendar. just to clarify. twice daily if you by chance see a clock.. soon it will be a world wide movement.. bla bla bla 11:11. smile at otto
saw my Dad today , his 84th birthday. fantastic visit. all the cancer surgery talk got done, everyone understands what's gonna happen.. i am feeling great.
i hope i get a surgery date for next week,, and get to recovering.
maybe in February, we can have a big ass - He's well again !! party .. mark down the 16th. at the Melody Inn.. do it , put it on your calendar now..
the top off my head really hurts like a bad word.. i might have to shave my head . this hair cut hurts too.
here's a pic of me feeling good, lets not forget
well that's it for now . lets hope the surgery date arrives today
october is a more special month for me than the other months.. lots of B-days, Esperanza's send off month, and my 26 years of sobriety. in the drinking biz,, if you've been on the wagon, and ya get cancer , most people would bet that you'd have a good chance of "havin a drink" ,,i mean - come 'on , the guy has cancer,, stuff like that,, but i didn't,, i wanted to a few times for sure ,, and now on the dope,, man one smooth bourbon would be epic. but NO way man.. so that's a good thing.
the blog is gonna get more action now that stuff if changing. remember positive vibes & prayers WORK.. every time , so keep them coming.. and if you think you'd like to do something odd for me,, , at 11:11 , in the morning or the evening, if you see that time on a clock, please just pause for a few seconds if you can, ( not if you are driving , etc.), and send me a smile.. my face is getting numb , so some smile vibes will tighten up those muscles for me.. this is 11:11 on a clock , not a calendar. just to clarify. twice daily if you by chance see a clock.. soon it will be a world wide movement.. bla bla bla 11:11. smile at otto
saw my Dad today , his 84th birthday. fantastic visit. all the cancer surgery talk got done, everyone understands what's gonna happen.. i am feeling great.
i hope i get a surgery date for next week,, and get to recovering.
maybe in February, we can have a big ass - He's well again !! party .. mark down the 16th. at the Melody Inn.. do it , put it on your calendar now..
the top off my head really hurts like a bad word.. i might have to shave my head . this hair cut hurts too.
here's a pic of me feeling good, lets not forget
well that's it for now . lets hope the surgery date arrives today
what's happened ? these last few days
on monday at 9 am i called the answer machine of the doctors and confirmed for the full surgery.
seconds later i started having the most intense panic attack in history . holy crap, what did i just do ?? i just signed up for the scariest event ever.
then the sweating started, if you've seen my comedy set up close, i am usually a sweaty mess, Jerry Lewis style, this sweaty episode was over the top. i was instantly soaked, like i had just done that stupid bucket thing, and now comes the shaking... yooza !!.. so i had to take another shower, and re-clothe .. and lay back down
at 10:50 i saw my Pain doctor,, the script needed to be adjusted to a stronger pill , and now up to 8 per day.. still in pain all the time, but not as intense. i can not be creative - it sucks ass. i will have to un-hook myself from this crap after i heal. We talked for a good hour about what i was going through, and my "3 " options. this visit really helped me calm down, but i was still freaking out big time.. i took the new script to Kroger , they think i'm some crazed Percoset Freak,, and this months bottle was giant !! 240 pills,, ya just gotta love health insurance - 60 pills - $ 15,, 12 pills - $ 15 , 120 pills - $15,, or 240 pills - $15.. wacky.. went home to lay down......
about 2 pm the nurse called to let me know they got my call and we can start moving forward.. i told her i was F R E A K I N G O U T !!!! and needed another 24 hours to decide. she said that was ok , and understandable.. whew, she could have been really mean
so the rest of the day i talked to my team about what i should do..
tuesday i re-called and committed to the "full boat" , the 3 surgeons have to match schedules, and maye today ( thursday) my surgery date may be set.
i still want to do option #3 , less surgery , but i went for the full boat.. i think i'd be fine with #3, but he guaranteed ! a quick return of cancer, and he DIDN'T want to do the lesser job. if they "did what i want"- at a certain point in the surgery, the doctor will have to say , " OK we stop here , because "Mr Expert" on the table thinks he knows everything" , and the two other guys would be like , WTF , what a douche-bag!!... and EVEN before this happened, the doctors all would wake up that day, to do a "stupid operation" that they didn't believe in ~ for no benefit, and just have crappy attitudes the whole time.. i need an enthusiastic team, like they WANT to be..
so i am going to let them be the super-team they want to be and go ahead and cure me. full confidence.. it will be way more recovery, but no guarantee of cancer returning QUICKLY. he says that with a "little radiation & some Chemo" , i'd live long time .......
the possible side effects sheet is beyond scary.
once inside, they can do what-ever they think might help. i want as little good flesh removed as possible.
so i'm waiting , like you , for a date, maybe next week ? , it's got to be soon, this thing is making it's last ditch effort to consume me, and the stronger pills don't really cut it. these suckers are making me sick. i missed work yesterday.
i do feel fantastic about how everyone is rallying together. my Positive Vibes & Prayer Team is 10 X bigger than in 2012.. nothing can go wrong with all of us ( especially ME ) staying super upbeat.
it's gonna be really tuff , these next few months. one fantastic thing is knowing i get to stay home !! and not have to go out into the winter for a while.. i'm going to be pretty beat up, and if i can just stay home, man that would be incredible.
i made the first call to start the S.S. Disability paperwork rolling.. i can see a nightmare on the horizon. according to my 2012 SS statement, i'd get maybe $ 1400 a month if it get's approved. and that's a fund I have paid into since 1976, so i will gladly accept it if i can get it.. Most cancer people qualify, it's not like i'm trying to fake a bad back.
the people at work have been really wonderful about my situation. since July , when it became painful, They've really made an effort to keep my shifts kinda "weenie" .. if i get the date for next week then i am DONE working for a while. i am super grateful that they treat me so nice.
ok , that's where we are for now
thank you for your love, sent to me.
stay positive everyone !! i will too
seconds later i started having the most intense panic attack in history . holy crap, what did i just do ?? i just signed up for the scariest event ever.
then the sweating started, if you've seen my comedy set up close, i am usually a sweaty mess, Jerry Lewis style, this sweaty episode was over the top. i was instantly soaked, like i had just done that stupid bucket thing, and now comes the shaking... yooza !!.. so i had to take another shower, and re-clothe .. and lay back down
at 10:50 i saw my Pain doctor,, the script needed to be adjusted to a stronger pill , and now up to 8 per day.. still in pain all the time, but not as intense. i can not be creative - it sucks ass. i will have to un-hook myself from this crap after i heal. We talked for a good hour about what i was going through, and my "3 " options. this visit really helped me calm down, but i was still freaking out big time.. i took the new script to Kroger , they think i'm some crazed Percoset Freak,, and this months bottle was giant !! 240 pills,, ya just gotta love health insurance - 60 pills - $ 15,, 12 pills - $ 15 , 120 pills - $15,, or 240 pills - $15.. wacky.. went home to lay down......
about 2 pm the nurse called to let me know they got my call and we can start moving forward.. i told her i was F R E A K I N G O U T !!!! and needed another 24 hours to decide. she said that was ok , and understandable.. whew, she could have been really mean
so the rest of the day i talked to my team about what i should do..
tuesday i re-called and committed to the "full boat" , the 3 surgeons have to match schedules, and maye today ( thursday) my surgery date may be set.
i still want to do option #3 , less surgery , but i went for the full boat.. i think i'd be fine with #3, but he guaranteed ! a quick return of cancer, and he DIDN'T want to do the lesser job. if they "did what i want"- at a certain point in the surgery, the doctor will have to say , " OK we stop here , because "Mr Expert" on the table thinks he knows everything" , and the two other guys would be like , WTF , what a douche-bag!!... and EVEN before this happened, the doctors all would wake up that day, to do a "stupid operation" that they didn't believe in ~ for no benefit, and just have crappy attitudes the whole time.. i need an enthusiastic team, like they WANT to be..
so i am going to let them be the super-team they want to be and go ahead and cure me. full confidence.. it will be way more recovery, but no guarantee of cancer returning QUICKLY. he says that with a "little radiation & some Chemo" , i'd live long time .......
the possible side effects sheet is beyond scary.
once inside, they can do what-ever they think might help. i want as little good flesh removed as possible.
so i'm waiting , like you , for a date, maybe next week ? , it's got to be soon, this thing is making it's last ditch effort to consume me, and the stronger pills don't really cut it. these suckers are making me sick. i missed work yesterday.
i do feel fantastic about how everyone is rallying together. my Positive Vibes & Prayer Team is 10 X bigger than in 2012.. nothing can go wrong with all of us ( especially ME ) staying super upbeat.
it's gonna be really tuff , these next few months. one fantastic thing is knowing i get to stay home !! and not have to go out into the winter for a while.. i'm going to be pretty beat up, and if i can just stay home, man that would be incredible.
i made the first call to start the S.S. Disability paperwork rolling.. i can see a nightmare on the horizon. according to my 2012 SS statement, i'd get maybe $ 1400 a month if it get's approved. and that's a fund I have paid into since 1976, so i will gladly accept it if i can get it.. Most cancer people qualify, it's not like i'm trying to fake a bad back.
the people at work have been really wonderful about my situation. since July , when it became painful, They've really made an effort to keep my shifts kinda "weenie" .. if i get the date for next week then i am DONE working for a while. i am super grateful that they treat me so nice.
ok , that's where we are for now
thank you for your love, sent to me.
stay positive everyone !! i will too
Sunday, September 28, 2014
official results
this should bring every body up to date.
i have seen a team of 3 doctors, they know what they want to do, i have NO other cancer, besides what i've had,, no spreading , so they have super high hopes for complete success.
here's what my dang mind has been through. the CT scans are radio active iodine solution, which i am allergic to. i have to take something before the test so it doesn't really hurt me .. so when they ordered the CT scan a few weeks ago . i agreed , because it had been 2 years, and i wanted to see what i am up against . and i got sick and lost 2 days .. in 2012 , the CT scan was from hips to head, complete, 2 weeks ago , they just did the 4 inches of my neck-- . ( which i did not know) ....
when i took the disc to the doctor, he says, it 'd be great to have a CT scan of your chest & head.. and i just flip upside down inside.. you mean they had me in that machine , and just did the 4 inches, and now i have to do the whole thing over,, $$ - time & sickness ?? - yep .. and why ?? to see if the cancer has spread -- which was the purpose of the CT scan 2 weeks ago .. ultimate frustration!! .. this lead to this ---
ok , so you want to know if it spread, well doc , i don't care if it has spread , because i am not changing my attack plan , and you guys will not be going in after it.. we are here for the neck / throat issue. and if i am chock full of cancer , i don't want my family to know.. .. and if i am chock full of cancer, what will you tell me then.. he says .. well then you have 3 months to live.. ( best guess) . so i am a-ok with hearing this..
so there are 3 options for me ,,
1. do what i have been AKA - nothing
2. do exactly what the team wants to do
3. less than #2 , if chock full of cancer
the most recent CT scan will tell this
so friday was the 3rd guy of this team,, all 3 are very nice, younger than me, and seem genuine about their profession .. so the 3rd doc, he went through my 3 options
1. according to them , i have done nothing , so i can continue this , at $15 a month for pain pills, with death soon , as the tumor growth will "stoke me out".
2. do what they want , because i am completely "save-able" .. it's intensive surgery with major recovery. but the are SUPER confident with fantastic results.
3. if i am "chock full of cancer", then just do a pain relief tumor / cancer removal, less surgery , and way less recovery . But since im chock full of cancer, it's gonna be "all over" anyway , so why do all the tissue damage, with no time to recover.. also they guarantee the cancer returns rapidly,, and a second chance surgery would not help ..
i want option #3, even if i am NOT chock full of cancer.. we will get to this soon.
so the doctor comes in, BIG smile on his face,, you are CLEAR !!! no other cancer anywhere.. when he came in i was giggling,, and when i heard this , my face went to flat neutral .. no expression,, kind of dis appointed ( i will loose option 3 now ) .. the poor guy, the look on his face - trying to figure out why i am not jumping for joy !! - no other cancer !! in 27 months of doing "nothing" holy shit BatMan , this is incredible ,, they can fix me !!!.. yep , i was kind of stoic, i and i just said " i knew that " . ( about no other cancer, then inside i'm like - ok i get my $ back for that one,, all clear ,, i told them that )..
so he says ok , 3 options
1, do nothing
2. his plan , lots of stuff, very positive about very good results.. and then he went into this plan .
i said what about option 3 ? you haven't talked about that.. . he , with authority said COMPLETELY STUPID IDEA !! no option. ,, you are not chock full of cancer, you can be fixed.
the difference between # 2 & #3 is a basically one more inch off cutting, but that will involve a possible 2nd skin graft, more surgery , more recovery, and more possible side effects. super scary!!!
option 3, is less surgery, LESS recovery, but he guarantees the cancer comes back, within weeks or months,, and then there is no chance to be saved when that happens..
so [ i think ] i can beat any cancer they leave in me, with what i've been doing.. so i'm ok with them getting 99.5% , of the cancer, and taking less flesh.
anything that might grow back will be destroyed with my new enthusiasm and renewed faith,, as my recovery will be way less, and i will be stronger quicker, and less infection sites..,, the doctor does not agree.
the paperwork you sign gives them the right to do anything they think might help. that means possibly more stuff taken out, "as we found it ". yes i'm being a baby , and i am scared they are gonna take more good flesh than i can handle..
so option 2 is they only option,, i signed the papers, but still said i needed to confirm them on monday,,
so that's the deal on the table, i call monday at 9 am, and say it's ON !! , or - rip them up , and see ya later.. i think i could survive option 3, what i have been doing has worked, all the stuff i followed didn't factor in my freaking brain that won't shut off.
i have to agree with option 2, put my "big boy pants on" and toughen up. when he get's the GO ! then the 3 docs will get their schedules in order, maybe the week of october 6th.
i am actually tired from this now.. it's been a beat-down on my soul, ( self imposed ) - without all the help i am getting i would have been toast a long time ago. you guys are great...
my sister started a Go-fund Me thingy.. i can't promote it myself, as it feels like begging. but it sure is nice that it is happening.. i am so humbled that people are, and can even contribute. $$ is hard to come by now-a-days. at least everyone knows that i am actually going to get all of it , with no Suit-n-Tie guy skimming his portion off the top...
having this time off to recover will be giant benefit. i won't have to go out in the weather as much, and wont be dealing with the negative factors at work,, and i won't be a financial H-Bomb on Heather.
i'm gonna learn me some new guitar licks.. yes i am
ok .
everybody got it ??
surgery soon, recovery after, then rainbows , unicorns, slow ocean waves. positive thoughts only
health report
weight 138
attitude i have given in , not up
strength physical good , mental - bruised
tumor call Steve McQueen asap
pain always horrible, the pills barely
work , and there is not enough
my hair has been hurting,, that's right ,, touch my hair and a GIANT pain spike ,, so i buzzed it off
see below .
have you ever been to Climb-Time ? well grab here, put your foot on otto's knee, and then press palm onto top of head , and up you go...
it's gruesome,, little kids are frightened
it's gonna poop !!!
it will all good soon , no worries TEAM !
i have seen a team of 3 doctors, they know what they want to do, i have NO other cancer, besides what i've had,, no spreading , so they have super high hopes for complete success.
here's what my dang mind has been through. the CT scans are radio active iodine solution, which i am allergic to. i have to take something before the test so it doesn't really hurt me .. so when they ordered the CT scan a few weeks ago . i agreed , because it had been 2 years, and i wanted to see what i am up against . and i got sick and lost 2 days .. in 2012 , the CT scan was from hips to head, complete, 2 weeks ago , they just did the 4 inches of my neck-- . ( which i did not know) ....
when i took the disc to the doctor, he says, it 'd be great to have a CT scan of your chest & head.. and i just flip upside down inside.. you mean they had me in that machine , and just did the 4 inches, and now i have to do the whole thing over,, $$ - time & sickness ?? - yep .. and why ?? to see if the cancer has spread -- which was the purpose of the CT scan 2 weeks ago .. ultimate frustration!! .. this lead to this ---
ok , so you want to know if it spread, well doc , i don't care if it has spread , because i am not changing my attack plan , and you guys will not be going in after it.. we are here for the neck / throat issue. and if i am chock full of cancer , i don't want my family to know.. .. and if i am chock full of cancer, what will you tell me then.. he says .. well then you have 3 months to live.. ( best guess) . so i am a-ok with hearing this..
so there are 3 options for me ,,
1. do what i have been AKA - nothing
2. do exactly what the team wants to do
3. less than #2 , if chock full of cancer
the most recent CT scan will tell this
so friday was the 3rd guy of this team,, all 3 are very nice, younger than me, and seem genuine about their profession .. so the 3rd doc, he went through my 3 options
1. according to them , i have done nothing , so i can continue this , at $15 a month for pain pills, with death soon , as the tumor growth will "stoke me out".
2. do what they want , because i am completely "save-able" .. it's intensive surgery with major recovery. but the are SUPER confident with fantastic results.
3. if i am "chock full of cancer", then just do a pain relief tumor / cancer removal, less surgery , and way less recovery . But since im chock full of cancer, it's gonna be "all over" anyway , so why do all the tissue damage, with no time to recover.. also they guarantee the cancer returns rapidly,, and a second chance surgery would not help ..
i want option #3, even if i am NOT chock full of cancer.. we will get to this soon.
so the doctor comes in, BIG smile on his face,, you are CLEAR !!! no other cancer anywhere.. when he came in i was giggling,, and when i heard this , my face went to flat neutral .. no expression,, kind of dis appointed ( i will loose option 3 now ) .. the poor guy, the look on his face - trying to figure out why i am not jumping for joy !! - no other cancer !! in 27 months of doing "nothing" holy shit BatMan , this is incredible ,, they can fix me !!!.. yep , i was kind of stoic, i and i just said " i knew that " . ( about no other cancer, then inside i'm like - ok i get my $ back for that one,, all clear ,, i told them that )..
so he says ok , 3 options
1, do nothing
2. his plan , lots of stuff, very positive about very good results.. and then he went into this plan .
i said what about option 3 ? you haven't talked about that.. . he , with authority said COMPLETELY STUPID IDEA !! no option. ,, you are not chock full of cancer, you can be fixed.
the difference between # 2 & #3 is a basically one more inch off cutting, but that will involve a possible 2nd skin graft, more surgery , more recovery, and more possible side effects. super scary!!!
option 3, is less surgery, LESS recovery, but he guarantees the cancer comes back, within weeks or months,, and then there is no chance to be saved when that happens..
so [ i think ] i can beat any cancer they leave in me, with what i've been doing.. so i'm ok with them getting 99.5% , of the cancer, and taking less flesh.
anything that might grow back will be destroyed with my new enthusiasm and renewed faith,, as my recovery will be way less, and i will be stronger quicker, and less infection sites..,, the doctor does not agree.
the paperwork you sign gives them the right to do anything they think might help. that means possibly more stuff taken out, "as we found it ". yes i'm being a baby , and i am scared they are gonna take more good flesh than i can handle..
so option 2 is they only option,, i signed the papers, but still said i needed to confirm them on monday,,
so that's the deal on the table, i call monday at 9 am, and say it's ON !! , or - rip them up , and see ya later.. i think i could survive option 3, what i have been doing has worked, all the stuff i followed didn't factor in my freaking brain that won't shut off.
i have to agree with option 2, put my "big boy pants on" and toughen up. when he get's the GO ! then the 3 docs will get their schedules in order, maybe the week of october 6th.
i am actually tired from this now.. it's been a beat-down on my soul, ( self imposed ) - without all the help i am getting i would have been toast a long time ago. you guys are great...
my sister started a Go-fund Me thingy.. i can't promote it myself, as it feels like begging. but it sure is nice that it is happening.. i am so humbled that people are, and can even contribute. $$ is hard to come by now-a-days. at least everyone knows that i am actually going to get all of it , with no Suit-n-Tie guy skimming his portion off the top...
having this time off to recover will be giant benefit. i won't have to go out in the weather as much, and wont be dealing with the negative factors at work,, and i won't be a financial H-Bomb on Heather.
i'm gonna learn me some new guitar licks.. yes i am
ok .
everybody got it ??
surgery soon, recovery after, then rainbows , unicorns, slow ocean waves. positive thoughts only
health report
weight 138
attitude i have given in , not up
strength physical good , mental - bruised
tumor call Steve McQueen asap
pain always horrible, the pills barely
work , and there is not enough
my hair has been hurting,, that's right ,, touch my hair and a GIANT pain spike ,, so i buzzed it off
see below .
have you ever been to Climb-Time ? well grab here, put your foot on otto's knee, and then press palm onto top of head , and up you go...
it's gruesome,, little kids are frightened
it will all good soon , no worries TEAM !
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