the end of the year . and what a year it was..
i'm not gonna sign the new agreement for facebook for a couple of weeks. i get TONS of love from my facboogie friends, but it is mostly a time waster. i don't "use it" correctly.
so please subscribe to my blog, most people get it from faceboogie , but i wont be able to put it on there myself.
year end review
weight 144 !
strength 45%
attitude NEW & improved
pain jaw mild to severe
outlook positive , slowly improving
i want to say THANK YOU to all of you , this year was a doosey, and without your help, i would have died. it was close, those tumors were gonna get me. you all really stepped up in many ways, the fund, the constant "well wishes", the 11:11 gang, and good vibes sent have carried me through this very challenging adventure
you can e-mail me direct if you need to contact me
positivemolecules@sbcglobal.net
the main thing i learned during the last few years is that LOVE is the most important thing ... giving it away is #1, receiving LOVE keeps people alive & well. LOVE beats everything.
ok have a great new year,, i'll be OFF faceboogie for two weeks minimum.. i dont know if my account will go dark .
one last time in 2014 --- thank you!!!!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
positive stuff for sure
just a quick all positive stuff...
and some things i measure..
weight 136 * up from 125.8 on 10-23-14 ..........PLUS 10
how far i can open my mouth 84 playing cards ,
on 10 /23 i could only open 42 cards .............DOUBLE
strength , many measurements ,
last week i was at about 30 % , this week ~ 40 %.......+ 10
i was doing my weights empty handed, i then moved to 3 lbs, now i'm using 5 lbs, ............................................increase !!
i'm at 30 minutes on the bike,and doing stretches at the same time ........................................................increase!!
4 sets of P.T. for both my neck and mouth ......feels great
crunches - used to do 200 / up to 150, from 25 ......... + 125
weaned off the narcotics, from 8 + a day to zero, it took 5 weeks,, the zombie effect is wearing off ............... SUPER !
the feeding tube is removed,, it took 3 seconds, no pain ! now i can get back to my core exercises and gain some muscle weight ........ been waiting for this +++++++
the SS Office sent me a letter saying my application is moving forward. they included more papers to fill out.. so not denied ......................... this is fantastic
started juicing carrots & apples again yesterday , now that my throat works.. i still can't chew, so the VitaMix is making everything into a soup..
the BILLS are coming in, health insurance is covering about 96 % so far, i will have a specific blog about this when they all are in..
no bad events have happened since the operation,,
my skin graft area on my leg is about 75 % completely healed
the skin graft area on my neck is turning the same color as my neck, and the blood crustys are almost all gone
i'm setting realistic daily goals , and getting them done
i went to the movies for the first time in 14 years, the theater had big ass lazyboy chairs, and the movie was entertaining, i was invited out by one of my superfriends.... big fun!
i was able to sell my "too heavy" fender amp, and found the "one" i was wanting all along.. .............Y A Y !!!!
i am staying calm,, not like those annoying t shirts,, yeah stay calm ............ i'm trying to stay positive, you guys are really helping me with this.................. thank you !!!
have a super holiday also
and some things i measure..
weight 136 * up from 125.8 on 10-23-14 ..........PLUS 10
how far i can open my mouth 84 playing cards ,
on 10 /23 i could only open 42 cards .............DOUBLE
strength , many measurements ,
last week i was at about 30 % , this week ~ 40 %.......+ 10
i was doing my weights empty handed, i then moved to 3 lbs, now i'm using 5 lbs, ............................................increase !!
i'm at 30 minutes on the bike,and doing stretches at the same time ........................................................increase!!
4 sets of P.T. for both my neck and mouth ......feels great
crunches - used to do 200 / up to 150, from 25 ......... + 125
weaned off the narcotics, from 8 + a day to zero, it took 5 weeks,, the zombie effect is wearing off ............... SUPER !
the feeding tube is removed,, it took 3 seconds, no pain ! now i can get back to my core exercises and gain some muscle weight ........ been waiting for this +++++++
the SS Office sent me a letter saying my application is moving forward. they included more papers to fill out.. so not denied ......................... this is fantastic
started juicing carrots & apples again yesterday , now that my throat works.. i still can't chew, so the VitaMix is making everything into a soup..
the BILLS are coming in, health insurance is covering about 96 % so far, i will have a specific blog about this when they all are in..
no bad events have happened since the operation,,
my skin graft area on my leg is about 75 % completely healed
the skin graft area on my neck is turning the same color as my neck, and the blood crustys are almost all gone
i'm setting realistic daily goals , and getting them done
i went to the movies for the first time in 14 years, the theater had big ass lazyboy chairs, and the movie was entertaining, i was invited out by one of my superfriends.... big fun!
i was able to sell my "too heavy" fender amp, and found the "one" i was wanting all along.. .............Y A Y !!!!
i am staying calm,, not like those annoying t shirts,, yeah stay calm ............ i'm trying to stay positive, you guys are really helping me with this.................. thank you !!!
have a super holiday also
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
this guy is always asking for something
i know i ask for lots of help, and you wonderful people have all stepped up and kept me alive.
i'm asking for more help. i applied for S.S. benefits on monday.
if you could please send some positive vibes to the social security administration to help me get approved
if you repeat this out loud or just in your mind, i think they will all add up and get me that extra push to approval
here's the mantra
-- social security administration- please approve otto for his disability claim --
i've launched that thought, and if we all add to it , i think it will land in the right place
the gal on monday said she "thought " that i'd be approved,, so we need to push that thought all the way to positively approved
cancer seems to be the magic word,, and i'm not faking it.
it's a fund we all pay into each paycheck, i've been paying 38 years..
ok !!!!!! thanks for helping me again
i'm asking for more help. i applied for S.S. benefits on monday.
if you could please send some positive vibes to the social security administration to help me get approved
if you repeat this out loud or just in your mind, i think they will all add up and get me that extra push to approval
here's the mantra
-- social security administration- please approve otto for his disability claim --
i've launched that thought, and if we all add to it , i think it will land in the right place
the gal on monday said she "thought " that i'd be approved,, so we need to push that thought all the way to positively approved
cancer seems to be the magic word,, and i'm not faking it.
it's a fund we all pay into each paycheck, i've been paying 38 years..
ok !!!!!! thanks for helping me again
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
i found some blogs i started
it's been almost a month, sorry for the absence . i am slowly healing. it's only been 40 days since surgery, and compared to what happened to me , and how i look now it is a miracle. the surgeon did a great job. I've had 3 re-checks, and am healing ahead of schedule..
as a kid , you become friends with your shadow, some kids are scared, i always enjoyed having mine around.. then it got real crazy, the months before surgery..check it out.., i could not get away from the tumor ..
the knob was gruesome,,i can barely remember having it now..
and i've gone from this --
the staples are still in, neck patch still on, to this
neck starting to look normal, almost all the blood crustys have fallen off, and the skin graft is starting to change color like my neck. staples scar is healing really nice, i weigh 131..
i am 4 days into NOT using the feeding tube. after 2 weeks of not using it, i can have it removed. i can't do my "core" exercises with this stuck in me.
my restrictions about mobility and weight lifting have been removed. so now i can get as fit as possible as soon as i can ..
the new challenge is eating.. you take it for granted, just popping something into your mouth and chewing away.. so do I .. what i have started doing is making a bowl of food like i used to,, throw it into the VitaMix, and turn it into a soup.. this takes about 2 hours to eat, and some bites are pain off the chart!! i don't have anything else to do , and this is a "must do" physical therapy. when i left the hospital, i could only open my mouth as wide as 40 playing cards, yesterday i was up to 70, a hard boiled egg is wider than 2 decks of cards, so i've got some work ahead of me.
i wasn't expecting such a painful new deal. before all the pains were from the outside moving in. now , i'm in no real pain until food time.It's inside my face, back by my right jaw.. it can be minimal to 12+ , i don't know , there is one super sensitive spot, and how the food passes over this area can differ from minute to minute. i haven't chewed anything since october 15th, and then didn't swallow anything until october 28th. So now i have to get back to eating 5 big ass bowls of food a day again. this is not gonna be easy. my face nerves are on fire frequently also.. the skin graft area on my leg is doing great.
my only "real job",besides healing, is actually writing this blob,, keeping you all informed.. without you all , i would not be doing this well. My sister set the fund up, and it hit the goal. i am LOVING not working. i have another 6 weeks off if everything gos right. not having to go to work in the winter is really nice.
in the upcoming blobs, i will tell of my hospital stay, and other stuff we haven't talked about.
health report
strength 30 %
pain spikes when eating, jaw is numb
attitude new month, new agenda , A+
weight 132.. i am adding "real" food daily
as a kid , you become friends with your shadow, some kids are scared, i always enjoyed having mine around.. then it got real crazy, the months before surgery..check it out.., i could not get away from the tumor ..
and i've gone from this --
i am 4 days into NOT using the feeding tube. after 2 weeks of not using it, i can have it removed. i can't do my "core" exercises with this stuck in me.
my restrictions about mobility and weight lifting have been removed. so now i can get as fit as possible as soon as i can ..
the new challenge is eating.. you take it for granted, just popping something into your mouth and chewing away.. so do I .. what i have started doing is making a bowl of food like i used to,, throw it into the VitaMix, and turn it into a soup.. this takes about 2 hours to eat, and some bites are pain off the chart!! i don't have anything else to do , and this is a "must do" physical therapy. when i left the hospital, i could only open my mouth as wide as 40 playing cards, yesterday i was up to 70, a hard boiled egg is wider than 2 decks of cards, so i've got some work ahead of me.
i wasn't expecting such a painful new deal. before all the pains were from the outside moving in. now , i'm in no real pain until food time.It's inside my face, back by my right jaw.. it can be minimal to 12+ , i don't know , there is one super sensitive spot, and how the food passes over this area can differ from minute to minute. i haven't chewed anything since october 15th, and then didn't swallow anything until october 28th. So now i have to get back to eating 5 big ass bowls of food a day again. this is not gonna be easy. my face nerves are on fire frequently also.. the skin graft area on my leg is doing great.
my only "real job",besides healing, is actually writing this blob,, keeping you all informed.. without you all , i would not be doing this well. My sister set the fund up, and it hit the goal. i am LOVING not working. i have another 6 weeks off if everything gos right. not having to go to work in the winter is really nice.
in the upcoming blobs, i will tell of my hospital stay, and other stuff we haven't talked about.
health report
strength 30 %
pain spikes when eating, jaw is numb
attitude new month, new agenda , A+
weight 132.. i am adding "real" food daily
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
look at this !!
are you believer ? do you believe in something you can't see , can't touch , can't alter , of course you do, and good thing too. remember the blob ? well lookie now ,, this has to heal
,, whew , that needs a band aid
Monday, October 27, 2014
Quickie up-date
welcome back .....................October 27th.
well i "thought" id be blogging like a hurricane as soon as i got home ( the 22nd ) but it took a few days to catch up on faceboogie, and i was really sore..
so here is a quickie update just "so you know"
everything went really well.
i'm still hurting, as expected , but it's pain from the procedures, not from the cancer... how i was working ,and trying to be a normal person in September is mind boggling. The days in October , leading up to the surgery, were like many episodes of Rod Serling's show -" Night Gallery"
ok that's it for today . i'm pretty THIN ~ 131 lbs
it's ALL good ,, detailed blog very soon . and here's a current photo
you have a fun filled day , it's gonna be the LAST warm day of the year
tell your friends that LOVE , Prayer , and positive vibes work..... ding !
well i "thought" id be blogging like a hurricane as soon as i got home ( the 22nd ) but it took a few days to catch up on faceboogie, and i was really sore..
so here is a quickie update just "so you know"
everything went really well.
i'm still hurting, as expected , but it's pain from the procedures, not from the cancer... how i was working ,and trying to be a normal person in September is mind boggling. The days in October , leading up to the surgery, were like many episodes of Rod Serling's show -" Night Gallery"
ok that's it for today . i'm pretty THIN ~ 131 lbs
it's ALL good ,, detailed blog very soon . and here's a current photo
tell your friends that LOVE , Prayer , and positive vibes work..... ding !
Thursday, October 16, 2014
today is the day
and then there's this
..................................................................................................
i'm in the hospital,
thanks for the good Vibes,
be back soon
ding
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
did the surgeon just say "oops" ?
oh my , it's been almost two weeks, i haven't worked, i'm on extended leave. i hope i can afford to stay home until January. i like not working, i must confess.
i thought i'd be mr chatty cathy since i had no job , but the last 12 days have been not wonderful.. the tumor senses it's doom, and i had to stop taking all the supliments & additives , so the tumor is really putting a hurt on me.. i do have enough pain pills, and i hope to get off these things VERY soon after surgery, but the pain has been astronomical. it physically hurts to eat, as the effected area is giant, so i've just been sleeping and eating, sleeping and eating. the last few nights the dang thing starts seeping while i'm asleep... eeek , what's the stream of liquid i feel ??? it's a Tosh.0 candidate.. gruesome. i wish it would completely explode, then thursday , they could just mini-vac out what's left.
i did go out and get one more show in,, last friday , at an eastside sports pub,, which usually doesn't work well,, " hi folks, we know you worked your asses off all week, and you're here to drink , watch sports, and talk to your friends, but we are gonna turn the TV's off, and ask that you don't talk, but please be courteous to the comics" .... and the kitchen used a "bell" , like me , so i couldn't use mine. super bummer..
but i just wanted to get some stage juice, and do a few minutes,, no guitar, go up early and get out. the lighting was underpar,, the crowd was talkative , i was asking myself , why was i here ?? , i'm "sick" with the cancer, full blown pain, wtf ?? well, that's the comic still left in me,, if i stayed home, in just as much pain, knowing there was a show close by ,, i would have gone insane not going ,, what a spiral of thoughts..... and then --my set was awesome,, i had great action 100% , had the whole room,, fan-tas-tic! GLAD i did that.. and one of my most favorite superFans , a Jem of a performer herself , was there !!
so ,, good thing i did that set .. then it was right back to "sleepy the cancer" boy..
i've been cleaning some too, but mostly sleeping as much as possible
i am ready to get in there and have them work their magic.. it must be wild to cut into someone, and there will be 3 of them , as a team,, i bet they are stoked to fix me.. i want to see the blob in a jar !!!
so if you'd like to do one more Good Vibes Transmission , it's going to be early, but at 8 am , thursday , if you'd like to pause, maybe 15 seconds , and send the SURGERY team some love and positive molecules... that would be great... your powerful vibes have been invigorating to me, so lets send the doctors & nurses some good JuJu too
if you've been doing the 11:11 - smile for otto , i've been feeling them,, thanks !!
i am as ready as i can be.. am i scared ?? well fuck yeah,, who wouldn't be.. it's natural.. (( let us not entertain any possible side effects or " dang , wish that didn't happen")) seriously - i KNOW everything will turn out "way better than we thought it would go".. so lets stick with ALL POSITIVES
after the operation, i will have lots of healing time, and i will have to stay home,, so expect more frequent blogging. some entertaining stuff too.. i already have a list of topics started
i must get back to being creative..
my mind is what i miss most
it's been the best 27 months of my life.. the cancer part sucked BIG time,, but everything else has been beautiful..
most beautiful - you people,, yes you ,, some i haven't ever met , but those vibes i ask for are felt, i may not have talked to you in person, but I've felt you,, your thoughts have melded into my being,, you have changed the course of my life.. that's pretty cool... i told some jokes, sang a song or two. but YOU , you've helped save my life.
october is a favorite month for me , Dad's b day , Rapper's B day , Heather & I met oct 9th 2008- at a GearHeads show, Mary's b day, Esperanza "leaves" 10 /23, and 10 /28 - 26 years of sobriety..
and now add 10 / 16 ~ Chop-Cut-Cancer..
i would never wish what i have on anybody, "you don't want any of this Dewey", but if you could be inside me for a zillionth of a second,, your mind would be blown by the amount of love you'd feel that is sent my way.
health report
weight 136
strength 98%
attitude very good
pain 10 + in spikes , constant 6
tumor it's ALIVE
ok, ,,
i humbly say thank you !
oh my - the good vibes, the prayers, the $ fund, the quick positive messages ,they have all added together to get me through this . i'd be so screwed without all of your help
Lil Buddy tellin me what's what
ok,, keep the love flowing , in every direction
i thought i'd be mr chatty cathy since i had no job , but the last 12 days have been not wonderful.. the tumor senses it's doom, and i had to stop taking all the supliments & additives , so the tumor is really putting a hurt on me.. i do have enough pain pills, and i hope to get off these things VERY soon after surgery, but the pain has been astronomical. it physically hurts to eat, as the effected area is giant, so i've just been sleeping and eating, sleeping and eating. the last few nights the dang thing starts seeping while i'm asleep... eeek , what's the stream of liquid i feel ??? it's a Tosh.0 candidate.. gruesome. i wish it would completely explode, then thursday , they could just mini-vac out what's left.
i did go out and get one more show in,, last friday , at an eastside sports pub,, which usually doesn't work well,, " hi folks, we know you worked your asses off all week, and you're here to drink , watch sports, and talk to your friends, but we are gonna turn the TV's off, and ask that you don't talk, but please be courteous to the comics" .... and the kitchen used a "bell" , like me , so i couldn't use mine. super bummer..
but i just wanted to get some stage juice, and do a few minutes,, no guitar, go up early and get out. the lighting was underpar,, the crowd was talkative , i was asking myself , why was i here ?? , i'm "sick" with the cancer, full blown pain, wtf ?? well, that's the comic still left in me,, if i stayed home, in just as much pain, knowing there was a show close by ,, i would have gone insane not going ,, what a spiral of thoughts..... and then --my set was awesome,, i had great action 100% , had the whole room,, fan-tas-tic! GLAD i did that.. and one of my most favorite superFans , a Jem of a performer herself , was there !!
so ,, good thing i did that set .. then it was right back to "sleepy the cancer" boy..
i've been cleaning some too, but mostly sleeping as much as possible
i am ready to get in there and have them work their magic.. it must be wild to cut into someone, and there will be 3 of them , as a team,, i bet they are stoked to fix me.. i want to see the blob in a jar !!!
so if you'd like to do one more Good Vibes Transmission , it's going to be early, but at 8 am , thursday , if you'd like to pause, maybe 15 seconds , and send the SURGERY team some love and positive molecules... that would be great... your powerful vibes have been invigorating to me, so lets send the doctors & nurses some good JuJu too
if you've been doing the 11:11 - smile for otto , i've been feeling them,, thanks !!
i am as ready as i can be.. am i scared ?? well fuck yeah,, who wouldn't be.. it's natural.. (( let us not entertain any possible side effects or " dang , wish that didn't happen")) seriously - i KNOW everything will turn out "way better than we thought it would go".. so lets stick with ALL POSITIVES
after the operation, i will have lots of healing time, and i will have to stay home,, so expect more frequent blogging. some entertaining stuff too.. i already have a list of topics started
i must get back to being creative..
my mind is what i miss most
it's been the best 27 months of my life.. the cancer part sucked BIG time,, but everything else has been beautiful..
most beautiful - you people,, yes you ,, some i haven't ever met , but those vibes i ask for are felt, i may not have talked to you in person, but I've felt you,, your thoughts have melded into my being,, you have changed the course of my life.. that's pretty cool... i told some jokes, sang a song or two. but YOU , you've helped save my life.
october is a favorite month for me , Dad's b day , Rapper's B day , Heather & I met oct 9th 2008- at a GearHeads show, Mary's b day, Esperanza "leaves" 10 /23, and 10 /28 - 26 years of sobriety..
and now add 10 / 16 ~ Chop-Cut-Cancer..
i would never wish what i have on anybody, "you don't want any of this Dewey", but if you could be inside me for a zillionth of a second,, your mind would be blown by the amount of love you'd feel that is sent my way.
health report
weight 136
strength 98%
attitude very good
pain 10 + in spikes , constant 6
tumor it's ALIVE
ok, ,,
i humbly say thank you !
oh my - the good vibes, the prayers, the $ fund, the quick positive messages ,they have all added together to get me through this . i'd be so screwed without all of your help
Lil Buddy tellin me what's what
ok,, keep the love flowing , in every direction
Thursday, October 2, 2014
it's friday,
i am feeling real good about the upcoming event. months from now , i will be a zippty-do-da,walla-ka-zo, zim-flam babbatty bo - back to my self ,, and off the pain pills..
october is a more special month for me than the other months.. lots of B-days, Esperanza's send off month, and my 26 years of sobriety. in the drinking biz,, if you've been on the wagon, and ya get cancer , most people would bet that you'd have a good chance of "havin a drink" ,,i mean - come 'on , the guy has cancer,, stuff like that,, but i didn't,, i wanted to a few times for sure ,, and now on the dope,, man one smooth bourbon would be epic. but NO way man.. so that's a good thing.
the blog is gonna get more action now that stuff if changing. remember positive vibes & prayers WORK.. every time , so keep them coming.. and if you think you'd like to do something odd for me,, , at 11:11 , in the morning or the evening, if you see that time on a clock, please just pause for a few seconds if you can, ( not if you are driving , etc.), and send me a smile.. my face is getting numb , so some smile vibes will tighten up those muscles for me.. this is 11:11 on a clock , not a calendar. just to clarify. twice daily if you by chance see a clock.. soon it will be a world wide movement.. bla bla bla 11:11. smile at otto
saw my Dad today , his 84th birthday. fantastic visit. all the cancer surgery talk got done, everyone understands what's gonna happen.. i am feeling great.
i hope i get a surgery date for next week,, and get to recovering.
maybe in February, we can have a big ass - He's well again !! party .. mark down the 16th. at the Melody Inn.. do it , put it on your calendar now..
the top off my head really hurts like a bad word.. i might have to shave my head . this hair cut hurts too.
here's a pic of me feeling good, lets not forget
well that's it for now . lets hope the surgery date arrives today
october is a more special month for me than the other months.. lots of B-days, Esperanza's send off month, and my 26 years of sobriety. in the drinking biz,, if you've been on the wagon, and ya get cancer , most people would bet that you'd have a good chance of "havin a drink" ,,i mean - come 'on , the guy has cancer,, stuff like that,, but i didn't,, i wanted to a few times for sure ,, and now on the dope,, man one smooth bourbon would be epic. but NO way man.. so that's a good thing.
the blog is gonna get more action now that stuff if changing. remember positive vibes & prayers WORK.. every time , so keep them coming.. and if you think you'd like to do something odd for me,, , at 11:11 , in the morning or the evening, if you see that time on a clock, please just pause for a few seconds if you can, ( not if you are driving , etc.), and send me a smile.. my face is getting numb , so some smile vibes will tighten up those muscles for me.. this is 11:11 on a clock , not a calendar. just to clarify. twice daily if you by chance see a clock.. soon it will be a world wide movement.. bla bla bla 11:11. smile at otto
saw my Dad today , his 84th birthday. fantastic visit. all the cancer surgery talk got done, everyone understands what's gonna happen.. i am feeling great.
i hope i get a surgery date for next week,, and get to recovering.
maybe in February, we can have a big ass - He's well again !! party .. mark down the 16th. at the Melody Inn.. do it , put it on your calendar now..
the top off my head really hurts like a bad word.. i might have to shave my head . this hair cut hurts too.
here's a pic of me feeling good, lets not forget
well that's it for now . lets hope the surgery date arrives today
what's happened ? these last few days
on monday at 9 am i called the answer machine of the doctors and confirmed for the full surgery.
seconds later i started having the most intense panic attack in history . holy crap, what did i just do ?? i just signed up for the scariest event ever.
then the sweating started, if you've seen my comedy set up close, i am usually a sweaty mess, Jerry Lewis style, this sweaty episode was over the top. i was instantly soaked, like i had just done that stupid bucket thing, and now comes the shaking... yooza !!.. so i had to take another shower, and re-clothe .. and lay back down
at 10:50 i saw my Pain doctor,, the script needed to be adjusted to a stronger pill , and now up to 8 per day.. still in pain all the time, but not as intense. i can not be creative - it sucks ass. i will have to un-hook myself from this crap after i heal. We talked for a good hour about what i was going through, and my "3 " options. this visit really helped me calm down, but i was still freaking out big time.. i took the new script to Kroger , they think i'm some crazed Percoset Freak,, and this months bottle was giant !! 240 pills,, ya just gotta love health insurance - 60 pills - $ 15,, 12 pills - $ 15 , 120 pills - $15,, or 240 pills - $15.. wacky.. went home to lay down......
about 2 pm the nurse called to let me know they got my call and we can start moving forward.. i told her i was F R E A K I N G O U T !!!! and needed another 24 hours to decide. she said that was ok , and understandable.. whew, she could have been really mean
so the rest of the day i talked to my team about what i should do..
tuesday i re-called and committed to the "full boat" , the 3 surgeons have to match schedules, and maye today ( thursday) my surgery date may be set.
i still want to do option #3 , less surgery , but i went for the full boat.. i think i'd be fine with #3, but he guaranteed ! a quick return of cancer, and he DIDN'T want to do the lesser job. if they "did what i want"- at a certain point in the surgery, the doctor will have to say , " OK we stop here , because "Mr Expert" on the table thinks he knows everything" , and the two other guys would be like , WTF , what a douche-bag!!... and EVEN before this happened, the doctors all would wake up that day, to do a "stupid operation" that they didn't believe in ~ for no benefit, and just have crappy attitudes the whole time.. i need an enthusiastic team, like they WANT to be..
so i am going to let them be the super-team they want to be and go ahead and cure me. full confidence.. it will be way more recovery, but no guarantee of cancer returning QUICKLY. he says that with a "little radiation & some Chemo" , i'd live long time .......
the possible side effects sheet is beyond scary.
once inside, they can do what-ever they think might help. i want as little good flesh removed as possible.
so i'm waiting , like you , for a date, maybe next week ? , it's got to be soon, this thing is making it's last ditch effort to consume me, and the stronger pills don't really cut it. these suckers are making me sick. i missed work yesterday.
i do feel fantastic about how everyone is rallying together. my Positive Vibes & Prayer Team is 10 X bigger than in 2012.. nothing can go wrong with all of us ( especially ME ) staying super upbeat.
it's gonna be really tuff , these next few months. one fantastic thing is knowing i get to stay home !! and not have to go out into the winter for a while.. i'm going to be pretty beat up, and if i can just stay home, man that would be incredible.
i made the first call to start the S.S. Disability paperwork rolling.. i can see a nightmare on the horizon. according to my 2012 SS statement, i'd get maybe $ 1400 a month if it get's approved. and that's a fund I have paid into since 1976, so i will gladly accept it if i can get it.. Most cancer people qualify, it's not like i'm trying to fake a bad back.
the people at work have been really wonderful about my situation. since July , when it became painful, They've really made an effort to keep my shifts kinda "weenie" .. if i get the date for next week then i am DONE working for a while. i am super grateful that they treat me so nice.
ok , that's where we are for now
thank you for your love, sent to me.
stay positive everyone !! i will too
seconds later i started having the most intense panic attack in history . holy crap, what did i just do ?? i just signed up for the scariest event ever.
then the sweating started, if you've seen my comedy set up close, i am usually a sweaty mess, Jerry Lewis style, this sweaty episode was over the top. i was instantly soaked, like i had just done that stupid bucket thing, and now comes the shaking... yooza !!.. so i had to take another shower, and re-clothe .. and lay back down
at 10:50 i saw my Pain doctor,, the script needed to be adjusted to a stronger pill , and now up to 8 per day.. still in pain all the time, but not as intense. i can not be creative - it sucks ass. i will have to un-hook myself from this crap after i heal. We talked for a good hour about what i was going through, and my "3 " options. this visit really helped me calm down, but i was still freaking out big time.. i took the new script to Kroger , they think i'm some crazed Percoset Freak,, and this months bottle was giant !! 240 pills,, ya just gotta love health insurance - 60 pills - $ 15,, 12 pills - $ 15 , 120 pills - $15,, or 240 pills - $15.. wacky.. went home to lay down......
about 2 pm the nurse called to let me know they got my call and we can start moving forward.. i told her i was F R E A K I N G O U T !!!! and needed another 24 hours to decide. she said that was ok , and understandable.. whew, she could have been really mean
so the rest of the day i talked to my team about what i should do..
tuesday i re-called and committed to the "full boat" , the 3 surgeons have to match schedules, and maye today ( thursday) my surgery date may be set.
i still want to do option #3 , less surgery , but i went for the full boat.. i think i'd be fine with #3, but he guaranteed ! a quick return of cancer, and he DIDN'T want to do the lesser job. if they "did what i want"- at a certain point in the surgery, the doctor will have to say , " OK we stop here , because "Mr Expert" on the table thinks he knows everything" , and the two other guys would be like , WTF , what a douche-bag!!... and EVEN before this happened, the doctors all would wake up that day, to do a "stupid operation" that they didn't believe in ~ for no benefit, and just have crappy attitudes the whole time.. i need an enthusiastic team, like they WANT to be..
so i am going to let them be the super-team they want to be and go ahead and cure me. full confidence.. it will be way more recovery, but no guarantee of cancer returning QUICKLY. he says that with a "little radiation & some Chemo" , i'd live long time .......
the possible side effects sheet is beyond scary.
once inside, they can do what-ever they think might help. i want as little good flesh removed as possible.
so i'm waiting , like you , for a date, maybe next week ? , it's got to be soon, this thing is making it's last ditch effort to consume me, and the stronger pills don't really cut it. these suckers are making me sick. i missed work yesterday.
i do feel fantastic about how everyone is rallying together. my Positive Vibes & Prayer Team is 10 X bigger than in 2012.. nothing can go wrong with all of us ( especially ME ) staying super upbeat.
it's gonna be really tuff , these next few months. one fantastic thing is knowing i get to stay home !! and not have to go out into the winter for a while.. i'm going to be pretty beat up, and if i can just stay home, man that would be incredible.
i made the first call to start the S.S. Disability paperwork rolling.. i can see a nightmare on the horizon. according to my 2012 SS statement, i'd get maybe $ 1400 a month if it get's approved. and that's a fund I have paid into since 1976, so i will gladly accept it if i can get it.. Most cancer people qualify, it's not like i'm trying to fake a bad back.
the people at work have been really wonderful about my situation. since July , when it became painful, They've really made an effort to keep my shifts kinda "weenie" .. if i get the date for next week then i am DONE working for a while. i am super grateful that they treat me so nice.
ok , that's where we are for now
thank you for your love, sent to me.
stay positive everyone !! i will too
Sunday, September 28, 2014
official results
this should bring every body up to date.
i have seen a team of 3 doctors, they know what they want to do, i have NO other cancer, besides what i've had,, no spreading , so they have super high hopes for complete success.
here's what my dang mind has been through. the CT scans are radio active iodine solution, which i am allergic to. i have to take something before the test so it doesn't really hurt me .. so when they ordered the CT scan a few weeks ago . i agreed , because it had been 2 years, and i wanted to see what i am up against . and i got sick and lost 2 days .. in 2012 , the CT scan was from hips to head, complete, 2 weeks ago , they just did the 4 inches of my neck-- . ( which i did not know) ....
when i took the disc to the doctor, he says, it 'd be great to have a CT scan of your chest & head.. and i just flip upside down inside.. you mean they had me in that machine , and just did the 4 inches, and now i have to do the whole thing over,, $$ - time & sickness ?? - yep .. and why ?? to see if the cancer has spread -- which was the purpose of the CT scan 2 weeks ago .. ultimate frustration!! .. this lead to this ---
ok , so you want to know if it spread, well doc , i don't care if it has spread , because i am not changing my attack plan , and you guys will not be going in after it.. we are here for the neck / throat issue. and if i am chock full of cancer , i don't want my family to know.. .. and if i am chock full of cancer, what will you tell me then.. he says .. well then you have 3 months to live.. ( best guess) . so i am a-ok with hearing this..
so there are 3 options for me ,,
1. do what i have been AKA - nothing
2. do exactly what the team wants to do
3. less than #2 , if chock full of cancer
the most recent CT scan will tell this
so friday was the 3rd guy of this team,, all 3 are very nice, younger than me, and seem genuine about their profession .. so the 3rd doc, he went through my 3 options
1. according to them , i have done nothing , so i can continue this , at $15 a month for pain pills, with death soon , as the tumor growth will "stoke me out".
2. do what they want , because i am completely "save-able" .. it's intensive surgery with major recovery. but the are SUPER confident with fantastic results.
3. if i am "chock full of cancer", then just do a pain relief tumor / cancer removal, less surgery , and way less recovery . But since im chock full of cancer, it's gonna be "all over" anyway , so why do all the tissue damage, with no time to recover.. also they guarantee the cancer returns rapidly,, and a second chance surgery would not help ..
i want option #3, even if i am NOT chock full of cancer.. we will get to this soon.
so the doctor comes in, BIG smile on his face,, you are CLEAR !!! no other cancer anywhere.. when he came in i was giggling,, and when i heard this , my face went to flat neutral .. no expression,, kind of dis appointed ( i will loose option 3 now ) .. the poor guy, the look on his face - trying to figure out why i am not jumping for joy !! - no other cancer !! in 27 months of doing "nothing" holy shit BatMan , this is incredible ,, they can fix me !!!.. yep , i was kind of stoic, i and i just said " i knew that " . ( about no other cancer, then inside i'm like - ok i get my $ back for that one,, all clear ,, i told them that )..
so he says ok , 3 options
1, do nothing
2. his plan , lots of stuff, very positive about very good results.. and then he went into this plan .
i said what about option 3 ? you haven't talked about that.. . he , with authority said COMPLETELY STUPID IDEA !! no option. ,, you are not chock full of cancer, you can be fixed.
the difference between # 2 & #3 is a basically one more inch off cutting, but that will involve a possible 2nd skin graft, more surgery , more recovery, and more possible side effects. super scary!!!
option 3, is less surgery, LESS recovery, but he guarantees the cancer comes back, within weeks or months,, and then there is no chance to be saved when that happens..
so [ i think ] i can beat any cancer they leave in me, with what i've been doing.. so i'm ok with them getting 99.5% , of the cancer, and taking less flesh.
anything that might grow back will be destroyed with my new enthusiasm and renewed faith,, as my recovery will be way less, and i will be stronger quicker, and less infection sites..,, the doctor does not agree.
the paperwork you sign gives them the right to do anything they think might help. that means possibly more stuff taken out, "as we found it ". yes i'm being a baby , and i am scared they are gonna take more good flesh than i can handle..
so option 2 is they only option,, i signed the papers, but still said i needed to confirm them on monday,,
so that's the deal on the table, i call monday at 9 am, and say it's ON !! , or - rip them up , and see ya later.. i think i could survive option 3, what i have been doing has worked, all the stuff i followed didn't factor in my freaking brain that won't shut off.
i have to agree with option 2, put my "big boy pants on" and toughen up. when he get's the GO ! then the 3 docs will get their schedules in order, maybe the week of october 6th.
i am actually tired from this now.. it's been a beat-down on my soul, ( self imposed ) - without all the help i am getting i would have been toast a long time ago. you guys are great...
my sister started a Go-fund Me thingy.. i can't promote it myself, as it feels like begging. but it sure is nice that it is happening.. i am so humbled that people are, and can even contribute. $$ is hard to come by now-a-days. at least everyone knows that i am actually going to get all of it , with no Suit-n-Tie guy skimming his portion off the top...
having this time off to recover will be giant benefit. i won't have to go out in the weather as much, and wont be dealing with the negative factors at work,, and i won't be a financial H-Bomb on Heather.
i'm gonna learn me some new guitar licks.. yes i am
ok .
everybody got it ??
surgery soon, recovery after, then rainbows , unicorns, slow ocean waves. positive thoughts only
health report
weight 138
attitude i have given in , not up
strength physical good , mental - bruised
tumor call Steve McQueen asap
pain always horrible, the pills barely
work , and there is not enough
my hair has been hurting,, that's right ,, touch my hair and a GIANT pain spike ,, so i buzzed it off
see below .
have you ever been to Climb-Time ? well grab here, put your foot on otto's knee, and then press palm onto top of head , and up you go...
it's gruesome,, little kids are frightened
it's gonna poop !!!
it will all good soon , no worries TEAM !
i have seen a team of 3 doctors, they know what they want to do, i have NO other cancer, besides what i've had,, no spreading , so they have super high hopes for complete success.
here's what my dang mind has been through. the CT scans are radio active iodine solution, which i am allergic to. i have to take something before the test so it doesn't really hurt me .. so when they ordered the CT scan a few weeks ago . i agreed , because it had been 2 years, and i wanted to see what i am up against . and i got sick and lost 2 days .. in 2012 , the CT scan was from hips to head, complete, 2 weeks ago , they just did the 4 inches of my neck-- . ( which i did not know) ....
when i took the disc to the doctor, he says, it 'd be great to have a CT scan of your chest & head.. and i just flip upside down inside.. you mean they had me in that machine , and just did the 4 inches, and now i have to do the whole thing over,, $$ - time & sickness ?? - yep .. and why ?? to see if the cancer has spread -- which was the purpose of the CT scan 2 weeks ago .. ultimate frustration!! .. this lead to this ---
ok , so you want to know if it spread, well doc , i don't care if it has spread , because i am not changing my attack plan , and you guys will not be going in after it.. we are here for the neck / throat issue. and if i am chock full of cancer , i don't want my family to know.. .. and if i am chock full of cancer, what will you tell me then.. he says .. well then you have 3 months to live.. ( best guess) . so i am a-ok with hearing this..
so there are 3 options for me ,,
1. do what i have been AKA - nothing
2. do exactly what the team wants to do
3. less than #2 , if chock full of cancer
the most recent CT scan will tell this
so friday was the 3rd guy of this team,, all 3 are very nice, younger than me, and seem genuine about their profession .. so the 3rd doc, he went through my 3 options
1. according to them , i have done nothing , so i can continue this , at $15 a month for pain pills, with death soon , as the tumor growth will "stoke me out".
2. do what they want , because i am completely "save-able" .. it's intensive surgery with major recovery. but the are SUPER confident with fantastic results.
3. if i am "chock full of cancer", then just do a pain relief tumor / cancer removal, less surgery , and way less recovery . But since im chock full of cancer, it's gonna be "all over" anyway , so why do all the tissue damage, with no time to recover.. also they guarantee the cancer returns rapidly,, and a second chance surgery would not help ..
i want option #3, even if i am NOT chock full of cancer.. we will get to this soon.
so the doctor comes in, BIG smile on his face,, you are CLEAR !!! no other cancer anywhere.. when he came in i was giggling,, and when i heard this , my face went to flat neutral .. no expression,, kind of dis appointed ( i will loose option 3 now ) .. the poor guy, the look on his face - trying to figure out why i am not jumping for joy !! - no other cancer !! in 27 months of doing "nothing" holy shit BatMan , this is incredible ,, they can fix me !!!.. yep , i was kind of stoic, i and i just said " i knew that " . ( about no other cancer, then inside i'm like - ok i get my $ back for that one,, all clear ,, i told them that )..
so he says ok , 3 options
1, do nothing
2. his plan , lots of stuff, very positive about very good results.. and then he went into this plan .
i said what about option 3 ? you haven't talked about that.. . he , with authority said COMPLETELY STUPID IDEA !! no option. ,, you are not chock full of cancer, you can be fixed.
the difference between # 2 & #3 is a basically one more inch off cutting, but that will involve a possible 2nd skin graft, more surgery , more recovery, and more possible side effects. super scary!!!
option 3, is less surgery, LESS recovery, but he guarantees the cancer comes back, within weeks or months,, and then there is no chance to be saved when that happens..
so [ i think ] i can beat any cancer they leave in me, with what i've been doing.. so i'm ok with them getting 99.5% , of the cancer, and taking less flesh.
anything that might grow back will be destroyed with my new enthusiasm and renewed faith,, as my recovery will be way less, and i will be stronger quicker, and less infection sites..,, the doctor does not agree.
the paperwork you sign gives them the right to do anything they think might help. that means possibly more stuff taken out, "as we found it ". yes i'm being a baby , and i am scared they are gonna take more good flesh than i can handle..
so option 2 is they only option,, i signed the papers, but still said i needed to confirm them on monday,,
so that's the deal on the table, i call monday at 9 am, and say it's ON !! , or - rip them up , and see ya later.. i think i could survive option 3, what i have been doing has worked, all the stuff i followed didn't factor in my freaking brain that won't shut off.
i have to agree with option 2, put my "big boy pants on" and toughen up. when he get's the GO ! then the 3 docs will get their schedules in order, maybe the week of october 6th.
i am actually tired from this now.. it's been a beat-down on my soul, ( self imposed ) - without all the help i am getting i would have been toast a long time ago. you guys are great...
my sister started a Go-fund Me thingy.. i can't promote it myself, as it feels like begging. but it sure is nice that it is happening.. i am so humbled that people are, and can even contribute. $$ is hard to come by now-a-days. at least everyone knows that i am actually going to get all of it , with no Suit-n-Tie guy skimming his portion off the top...
having this time off to recover will be giant benefit. i won't have to go out in the weather as much, and wont be dealing with the negative factors at work,, and i won't be a financial H-Bomb on Heather.
i'm gonna learn me some new guitar licks.. yes i am
ok .
everybody got it ??
surgery soon, recovery after, then rainbows , unicorns, slow ocean waves. positive thoughts only
health report
weight 138
attitude i have given in , not up
strength physical good , mental - bruised
tumor call Steve McQueen asap
pain always horrible, the pills barely
work , and there is not enough
my hair has been hurting,, that's right ,, touch my hair and a GIANT pain spike ,, so i buzzed it off
see below .
have you ever been to Climb-Time ? well grab here, put your foot on otto's knee, and then press palm onto top of head , and up you go...
it's gruesome,, little kids are frightened
it will all good soon , no worries TEAM !
Friday, September 19, 2014
more results
welcome back, i'm really tired, so i'll keep this quick.
took the Ct scan on wed, saw the next doctor today.
here is the summation, more details as the arrive next week.
i see another doctor next tuesday , then i will most likely have surgery the week of sept 29th.
the big tumor will be removed , as well as the bad tonsil and tissue in throat. the skin over the tumor will have to be replaced with a skin graft. i will likely have both "trac" and feeding tube for a while . there might be some nerve damage, but everything looks like it will be a ok in a few months..
hospital for a week, home for a week , then maybe ease into working
my personal time line of having this blob gone in october has expired. outside help is needed.
my BIG fear is getting an infection while hospitalized. other than that , i think it will all go without a glitch
here's a pic from the other night.. wow !!
it's like a little coal furnace
ok that's it for now...
recap- one more doctor, then surgery & rehab. fear of infection.. feeling very positive
and i sincerely thank you for the positive vibes & prayers, i would have been gone a long time ago with out you all
took the Ct scan on wed, saw the next doctor today.
here is the summation, more details as the arrive next week.
i see another doctor next tuesday , then i will most likely have surgery the week of sept 29th.
the big tumor will be removed , as well as the bad tonsil and tissue in throat. the skin over the tumor will have to be replaced with a skin graft. i will likely have both "trac" and feeding tube for a while . there might be some nerve damage, but everything looks like it will be a ok in a few months..
hospital for a week, home for a week , then maybe ease into working
my personal time line of having this blob gone in october has expired. outside help is needed.
my BIG fear is getting an infection while hospitalized. other than that , i think it will all go without a glitch
here's a pic from the other night.. wow !!
ok that's it for now...
recap- one more doctor, then surgery & rehab. fear of infection.. feeling very positive
and i sincerely thank you for the positive vibes & prayers, i would have been gone a long time ago with out you all
Thursday, September 11, 2014
cancer update 9 / 10 / 14
it's been a rough few weeks.. the pain pill deal is not something i ever wanted. without them, impossible to get through the day. i have been mostly sleeping in the daytime in little segments when i can. i can't get a good sleep session in the evening, i can only sleep in on one side, then the pain spikes, and it's a nightmare.
got new meds, 3 X stronger than before, with a 4 per day allotment . they work, but not completely.
so , since last blog - 20 days or so, the tumor has been re-shaping, and moving back around my neck. very painful , and hard not to think about.
when the tumor re-appeared in January, my goal was to have it "gone" by October, and seeing that that was not gonna happen, i scheduled with a doctor a while back and saw him yesterday. this went nice & smooth. i need to have a CT scan, but until then, here is what he suspects.
the neck tumor is eating my facial nerves, and my lymph nodes are active, one with a chick-pea size tumor ( i found that one 2 weeks ago) . the cancer in my throat / tonsils needs to be cut out.. the skin covering the blob on my neck will have to be removed , it has become cancerous. the right side of upper body is getting weak also
worst case - i will look like when Peter Griffin stroked out on the family guy
if it all goes well, maybe 3 - 6 days in the hospital, and a week at home
the CT scan should be next week, with operation soon after those results
so that's the latest update.
there are some new food angels!! thank you..
i really appreciate you all keeping track of me with this. i know i've dropped the blog ball a couple of times, but now that it's "crunch time" i will be more informative .
send good vibes please, don't worry
got new meds, 3 X stronger than before, with a 4 per day allotment . they work, but not completely.
so , since last blog - 20 days or so, the tumor has been re-shaping, and moving back around my neck. very painful , and hard not to think about.
when the tumor re-appeared in January, my goal was to have it "gone" by October, and seeing that that was not gonna happen, i scheduled with a doctor a while back and saw him yesterday. this went nice & smooth. i need to have a CT scan, but until then, here is what he suspects.
the neck tumor is eating my facial nerves, and my lymph nodes are active, one with a chick-pea size tumor ( i found that one 2 weeks ago) . the cancer in my throat / tonsils needs to be cut out.. the skin covering the blob on my neck will have to be removed , it has become cancerous. the right side of upper body is getting weak also
worst case - i will look like when Peter Griffin stroked out on the family guy
if it all goes well, maybe 3 - 6 days in the hospital, and a week at home
the CT scan should be next week, with operation soon after those results
so that's the latest update.
there are some new food angels!! thank you..
i really appreciate you all keeping track of me with this. i know i've dropped the blog ball a couple of times, but now that it's "crunch time" i will be more informative .
send good vibes please, don't worry
Monday, August 18, 2014
monday the 18, not the 10th
i'm a bit late ,, ( aug 10 ) but here is the tumor one week later
it is just a bit smaller,, it is crawling around to the back of my neck.. the worst part is it is trying to get under my ear, in the jaw /skull / joint. that's really painful.
having pain pills is like taking the battery out of the smoke alarm , if you know what i mean.. but without them there is no way i can heal.. this blob gets really painful , like 12 on the 10 scale.. i was given 60 pills for 30 days = 2 a day. i've only had 1/2 a pill a a time X 4 times a day = 2.. some nights i needed another 1/2, so i'm gonna be 6 days short. bummer.
i saw the pain doc early, no problem . now i have 4 per day..
this good / bad deal with pain pills. good to have no pain ,, BAD to take them.. i will carefully monitor this . i do not want to get hooked on these or other stuff.
i know what it feels like to have cancer pain now. i was super lucky those first 24 months..
i am fully confident to beat this again. i need to calm down , and do less.
health report :
weight 140
strength A
attitude good, with bad pain spikes
tumor large & moving to the back of my neck
sunday 12:02 am ..
now it's monday morning , i had trouble publishing this .my old computer was stuck,,
it is just a bit smaller,, it is crawling around to the back of my neck.. the worst part is it is trying to get under my ear, in the jaw /skull / joint. that's really painful.
having pain pills is like taking the battery out of the smoke alarm , if you know what i mean.. but without them there is no way i can heal.. this blob gets really painful , like 12 on the 10 scale.. i was given 60 pills for 30 days = 2 a day. i've only had 1/2 a pill a a time X 4 times a day = 2.. some nights i needed another 1/2, so i'm gonna be 6 days short. bummer.
i saw the pain doc early, no problem . now i have 4 per day..
this good / bad deal with pain pills. good to have no pain ,, BAD to take them.. i will carefully monitor this . i do not want to get hooked on these or other stuff.
i know what it feels like to have cancer pain now. i was super lucky those first 24 months..
i am fully confident to beat this again. i need to calm down , and do less.
health report :
weight 140
strength A
attitude good, with bad pain spikes
tumor large & moving to the back of my neck
sunday 12:02 am ..
now it's monday morning , i had trouble publishing this .my old computer was stuck,,
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
wish this away
so this is it , aug 2nd , and from this angle it shows up really nice.
it looks like a film canister is in there. i'll post a progress pic from this angle every 7 days.
last night i received millions of fantastic molecules from everyone, and that's not one molecule from millions of people, it's lots from each one of you..
we can't hate may cancer , they are my cells , i just don't need them,, we need to love them away..
after confessing my choice in december i feel soooo much better. how bad did it effect me ,, see photo above.
i took no pain pills today.. double ouch by 7:30 pm. i will probably need 1/2 of one to get through the night. the perimeter of the blob feels like a saw blade. i need to take as few pain pills as possible, can not get hooked on those freaking things.
my sister has many prayer groups sending me healing goodness. i can already tell it's working
about the pain -- this is how it feels,, the spikey ball is rotating inside as the edges saw into my neck
not all the time, but when it kicks in - wow !
i still feel super lucky, about this whole ordeal, i've just had pain for about a month, my self doom has ended, and won't return. i'm still super healthy, and strong.
no fancy ending to this ,
stay focused on what's good for you
last night i received millions of fantastic molecules from everyone, and that's not one molecule from millions of people, it's lots from each one of you..
we can't hate may cancer , they are my cells , i just don't need them,, we need to love them away..
after confessing my choice in december i feel soooo much better. how bad did it effect me ,, see photo above.
i took no pain pills today.. double ouch by 7:30 pm. i will probably need 1/2 of one to get through the night. the perimeter of the blob feels like a saw blade. i need to take as few pain pills as possible, can not get hooked on those freaking things.
my sister has many prayer groups sending me healing goodness. i can already tell it's working
about the pain -- this is how it feels,, the spikey ball is rotating inside as the edges saw into my neck
not all the time, but when it kicks in - wow !
i still feel super lucky, about this whole ordeal, i've just had pain for about a month, my self doom has ended, and won't return. i'm still super healthy, and strong.
no fancy ending to this ,
stay focused on what's good for you
Thursday, July 31, 2014
90 days of madness
last november, basically about as big as an almond
it's been 3 months , so sorry , not blogging has been eating me up . this one should get everyone up to date.
by not blogging , i haven't been receiving your happy thoughts,, a stupid move by me.
my cancer is back , and i'm pretty sure i figured out why. cancer comes back on people, that's a given . i talked about my poisonous mind before. this is what i've done or did..
when i started this adventure, i googled some dates, like how long people with what i have usually live. on "average" most people lived 18 months, if they did treatment , or no treatment.. so i had feb of 2014 , on my mind since july of 2012. . in december 0f 2013, 2 months shy of feb, i was feeling superfantastic, had no tumor, no health issues, all awesome.. i started thinking about how i'm gonna blow through Feb,, the 18th month, no problem. i feel GREAT !!!
december 16th , i drank 3 sugar free redbulls,, WHAT ?? yeah, i glitched, my mind, my old druggie mind talked me into it.. 3 in a giant cup, bam , down the hatch... wow whatta buzz... and then my downfall started,, i just put 27 ounces of poison in my superfine , ORGANIC, cancer fighting machine.. you've got to be kidding,, no too late.. it's in me now... so i think, well this won't kill me........................... i rode through the buzz, it was fun.. and stupid.
december 18th .. did it again, and them the next night ( the 19th) too..
so 82 ounces of crap , poured right into me, by me, for some crazy reason that's still eating me ( feeding cancer) today.. this is my confession of stupidity - i worked so hard to beat my cancer, everything was going great , and then these 3 days?? unbelievable ...
so i was / still am so ashamed of what i did,, how can i blog about this poor choice ?. so i didn't.. then the swirling thoughts started, did i invite cancer back in ? maybe , maybe not.. 3 quarts of liquid crap.. not organic carrots & apples.. what have i done... so i didn't blog about it ..
i was weak....... i had been so strong, and now i'm a chicken shit, who did something stupid and is too much of a puss to confess... B A D idea.. and it's eating me up
my blog had been all about " keepin it real" , and now the days were stacking up, and i had this horrible secret swirling around my mind... holy shit. it would be easier to have some whisky , and confess that.. i still have never "slipped" on the alcohol, and a lot people do - once.
so i never blogged it, it ate me up , and on Jan 20th, bing ! my tumor started to activate. dag goon it !!! now i've done it , i have active cancer again..
every day i didn't blog about my bad decision , it was like i just drank those freaking redbulls ... and like Rain Man ,, over & over , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls , why'd ya drink those redbulls, why'd ya drink those redbulls, AND now your cancer is back ya stupid douche !!! why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,why'd ya drink those redbulls ,.................. not very inspirational .
now it's Feb , which in December, i was all , " oh hell yeah , I'm busting through Feb! No problem".. but now my tumor is growing,, and i can't stop touching it, and my bad secret is fueling the cancer...
and now i'm starting to come down on myself as a looser, and any other bad thing i can consider myself to be.. i'm not the guy who beat cancer once, i'm the stupid dickhead who invited it back..... holy shit , the guy who ruins everything
in March, i knew i was in a heck of a bad deal..
April, still hiding my stupidity, tumor is now really active.
may - june - still growing, not painful at all, but still active,, and i was really giving it all my best , trying to stop it,, i think physically, i was beating it,, but mentally , i was still feeding it... it's "Neck n neck" - hee hee , as much as i was killing , it was replacing that with new cancer cells.. this tumor can change shape hourly,, it's really odd
mentally, i thought it was gonna grow until june, when i was going to be seen by everyone at Father's Day,, and it was pretty big then, as expected
my weight started to drop,, got down to 135.8 ,, world's record for me ..still eating tons of stuff, but loosing weight,, strength still good, brain is a mess.
on july 2nd , it was 2 years,, and now it is starting to become painful. the tumor is pretty big, and at some times , the pain spike is at level 13.. if it stays in that pain bracket too long , my mind shuts down... what have i done ??
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
why'd ya drink those redbulls
and now i'm certain that the return is from my stupid bad secret, swirling around, non-stop, like the Zipper, at a low budget carnival,,
the last thing i want is to be in pain,, and then ,, i don't want to take pain pills,, no way....
had 3 gigs- july 12 - 13 - & 14th. the week before these, the pain spikes we starting to become more frequent, and just doing my daily stuff became a real chore..
i got some pain pills from a friend, and used them " correctly" ?? , and was able to get through that week & weekend in good style..
but the next week ,, i knew i am in trouble, the pain is almost always on ... it felt like the the edge of the tumor was a saw blade, working back n forth,, with a hornet inside the middle stinging me, frequently.. ouchie
so i did what i thought i'd never do , went to the doctor and asked for pain meds. Not a cool thing to do in Indiana,, now i'm on the "list" .. so i got a month's supply,, and i am making sure i do not over use these.. i am against pain meds,, but not sleeping was not helping me heal.. i'm cracking them in 1/2, and waiting until it's really hurting before i take one.
i had to switch to working all nights, because my "daily" routine has grown to almost 3 hours,, so to get to work at 10 am, i need to up and at it at 6:30,, and if i couldn't get to sleep till 2 am,, that makes for 4 1/2 hours.. not enough.
stress at work has been up also,, the modern teenage worker is not like the old days
not having 20 shows a month also is a drag.. the energy & healing juice from being on stage works wonders, i can't afford to do free shows, travel for nothing , and spend time at "value-less" shows.. so no stage juice
what has been a positive, is the band - otto & the Gearheads.. my guitar playing is getting better , and i keep writing new songs,, my comedy writing has been low for years now.. the same act- 12 years,, super polished, and extremely well done , but no real new stuff for a while now
i guess i could have just written this in December -- "" i drank 9 redbulls, how stupid , please forgive me, back to healing"" but i didn't , and now i'm paying the price..
so please don't punch me in the face, or wag your finger in front of me "dumbass" , when you see me again
the cancer fighting system i'm on didn't fail,, i introduced a bad element into it .. i screwed it up.. 90 days of mind melting bad vibes.. what a dumbass...
june 18th
july 25th
look at that sucker, sometimes it's round , and sometimes it is squared off
ok , my secret is out, i am not beating myself up over this anymore.. back to healing
shame on you otto !!!
i feel like i just confessed to my own murder?
health report
weight 143
strength top level
attitude re-freshed !!
pain mild to severe
tumor active
*****
(( blog edit -- since posting this blog, a cancer survivor of the same thing informed me that what i "googled" was incorrect, i stand corrected ))
good news for everyone
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